Trauma Queen

I had a trauma filled night last night, and also a weirdly therapeutic moment during said trauma filled night.

first off, let me tell you I’m riddled with anxiety right now. I don’t know if it’s a result of all of the stupid ass dreams I had, or if I had those dreams because I was stupid anxious.

let me get into it.

My first dream was odd. They all were. In the first dream, there was a huge family party. Everyone had to get together for some BBQ or something, we all brought a dish, it was a good time. Then my dad’s father who molested me as a child for years showed up. I wanted to show him and everyone that he didn’t bother me anymore, so I refused to speak up. I refused to call him out. I just left him alone. My frame of mind was “if I tell him to leave, he will know he bothers me and I’m not having that, that gives him power.” I just acted like I didn’t even remember who he was.
As the event wound down, I was drunk so I opted to sleep at my aunts house that we were in.
while trying to sleep, my dads father crept into the room and molested me again. It was so vivid. My daughter (in real life) was my sister in the dream and I tried to not call attention to what was happening so as not to traumatize her. But I was sobbing. In the morning I woke up and told everyone but her what happened, a cousin said it happened to her too, and we filed a police report. The police demanded proof and we had none, so they wouldn’t do anything. I cried a lot, and woke up crying.

went back to sleep, dreamed I was in NYC, and all sorts of people from my past were there- precious coworkers, exes, even a few people I’ve met in passing. One person was an art collector in the dream and was critiquing my artwork in my apartment that I’d accumulated. When they critiqued said artwork (not MY artwork, but artwork I’d purchased) I started sobbing again and trauma-dumping what had just happened to me (in the previous dream). I woke up crying AGAIN.

Went back to sleep, was dreaming that I was talking to my neighbors. They told me that if I called out of work, I needed to let my apartment management know about it first. And that if I was supposed to work 8 hours, that was 8 phone calls to apartment management- one for every hour I was home. I was arguing “what if you called out for an emergency??” And they said that it didn’t matter. I said I still wasn’t going to. In my mind the trauma from dream number 1 was still there and I was thinking “what if I’m still dealing with that trauma, I shouldn’t have to tell my apartment management. That’s none of their business.”

Suddenly my neighbor tells me that the “camera crews” said the same thing, that the camera crews didn’t think it was fair either. The camera crews apparently had been filming my job- like The Office- but it translated in my dream as though they’d been following me around everywhere, always, and I thought “ah ha!! Here’s my proof that this horrible thing happened!!!”

Then, in the dream, I remembered this horrible thing (again, from the first dream) and broke down crying again, in my bedroom, alone. I wanted to be alone and away from people to experience the emotions I was feeling, but I was sobbing all over again. But before I woke up, the dream shifted to car shopping (which I’m currently doing since I totalled my car a few weeks ago) and I was looking at some Toyota rav4s (in real life I’m looking at some Audi A5s and Mercedes E Classes and also some Mini Coopers (I’m all over the place)

I woke up from that dream, not crying, but with my heart racing a mile a minute. I had to remind myself that my dad’s father is dead and cannot do anything to me. I KEEP having to remind myself of that. I feel panicked, slightly broken, and all kinds of fucked up.

Right now. I’m just going to try to make myself stop feeling that. It’s like he’s got power over me again, when he doesn’t, because his bitch ass is dead. Fuck him. I’m kicking today’s ass. Fuck my dad’s mother too. She’s a fucking piece of shit for sticking by him. Gonna go make today my bitch.

Probably going to ask the people around me for space today though so I can do what I gotta do. No therapy for another week but I may call her early and beg for help because this feels awful.