Pre-therapy post

I have therapy later today and mannnn do I need it.

My friend passed away and I’m in my feelings about it. He was doing so well with his health and then had a stroke and now he’s gone. I told him I’d make him Mac and cheese. He wanted a whole pan of it. I never got to make it. I feel so bad.

I heard from “the guy”s ex gf again and I’ve been in a funky mood since then. I haven’t opened her message yet. As for he and I, we are still together. I’m still hurting, but when it’s not hurting, it’s wonderful. He’s doing everything in his power to help me trust him. He offered to turn his location on but I declined. He offered to let me go through his phone at any time, but I also declined. I have worked so hard to be a better person and I feel like that will just trigger me to be THAT way again. I’ve been having dreams about him beating me up, to within inches of my life. One of them, he had me hanging off a bridge and there was the threat of me falling if I moved the wrong way so I had to let him keep hitting and kicking me. In the other one we were on a front lawn and he was just on top of me taking swings at me and parts of my face were starting to come off.

Thats another thing I need to talk about in therapy today. That plus the suffocating panic attacks. It literally feels like Darth Vaders force choke. I hate it. I hate that he won’t let me talk to anyone about what’s happened. I hate that I feel so attached to him.

Do narcissists love? Are they capable of it? Because I believe he’s a narcissist, but I also believe he does love me.