Lost, spinning in circles

Welllllp. I had a meltdown. First one in like, what, 2 years? I have to admit, it feels awful. My chest pains are so bad it’s making it hard to breathe.

Trying to figure out where it came from.

Let’s start with my ex.

He’s nuts. Also kind of obsessive. He started showing up places that he knew I’d be at over the summer. Places he had no reason to be at and stuff. He went to a concert that he knew I’d be at JUST because he knew I’d be there. He even showed up early enough to get up close where I was, then took a pic of the top of my head and sent it to me. I had to finally have a conversation about it with him and explain it’s not okay and that if I start dating again, I SPECIFICALLY do not want to date HIM. Then I started dating someone else and I conveniently kept running into him everywhere, but I ignored it.

Strangely, as soon as I called things off with this other guy recently, he started sending friend requests on social media to not just me, but my family also.

Recently I was drunk with my sister and he texted me from a concert he was at, and my drunk ass responded. I made the mistake of being nice in my response and somehow that progressed to me inviting him over to watch Hamilton.

That brings us here. He came over to watch Hamilton- I stressed REPEATEDLY that we were only hanging out as friends- verbally and through text. Multiple times. Why? Because he never seems to get that. 4 years after breaking up and he’s still creepily obsessed. So he kept trying to move close to where I was, kept getting flirty and trying to bring me closer to him…. So I stayed busy wrapping Christmas gifts on the floor. When the movie was over, he said he was too tired to drive and would just crash at my place. I told him absolutely not, he said then he will sleep in his car out front. So I said fine, you can crash here, but you’re sleeping on the couch and I’m going to bed.

In the morning, he got up to use the bathroom, walked right into my room and laid down on my bed. I jumped up and started trying to shoo him out the door telling him I had to go- I timed it- he spent 12 minutes putting on his shoes. He was doing everything he could to delay leaving. Then sat on the couch and started watching videos on his phone, while I was standing trying to escort him out the door. I finally got him to get his ass up to leave and he goes in to hug me. So I hug him back and he was like refusing to let go. He tried to kiss me and I had to SLITHER out of his grasp bc he was holding me so tightly so I couldn’t get away from him. For the record- THIS WAS THE SECOND TIME HE HAS DONE THIS IN THE LAST TWO YEARS. So I finally told him enough. That’s assault. If you have to physically force someone into any kind of physical contact that they do not want, when they’re telling you repeatedly that they don’t want that kind of contact, and they’re physically trying to push you off of them, THAT IS ASSAULT.

Now it’s two days later and my skin is still crawling and I’m still uncomfortable and feeling so gross and like I want to just rip off my skin because this is the same skin that had physical contact with him at any point. I know it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be, but it’s still a heavy dark cloud that’s haunting me.

Moving on. I’m helping my mom out. I just bought her some furniture, rented her a U-Haul, lent her some money for other things….. and there were issues getting the furniture delivered. Turns out her address doesn’t really exist somehow? I don’t know, it’s complicated. So I was on the phone all day with sooooo many people trying to get this sorted out. Even the post office. Her bed frame is being delivered via USPS and even they had  an issue finding it. Then there was the threats of cancelling the orders because of it, it was stressful,

But tonight, with my daughter I snapped.

I ordered a lot of Christmas stuff for her- including an iPad. But also some Secret Santa gifts for Christmas Eve. I texted her at work to let her know they were both delivered and to go get them because if you leave them downstairs they get stolen. She said “I don’t feel good I’ll get them later”…

Long story short, they got stolen. Thats what did it. I disassembled the tree, opened all her gifts and put them in her room, and was just yelling my head off about how I only asked her to do one little thing and I mean, I spiraled. I really lost it.

I feel so bad right now. I’ve apologized to her profusely and I’m having such horrible chest pains. I think everything came to a head but like, that’s no excuse. I’m a mess right now in my head. I wish I could take this entire night back and start over. So im venting on here. I need to go to bed and think about how to make it right and figure out what went wrong so I don’t go there again. I’ve been doing so good lately and this is devastating. I feel like an addict that relapsed. No therapy this week so it’ll have to wait until next week. I’m stressed though. Idk