Little things
So I’ve been working on managing my ADHD which apparently is and has been a much bigger problem than I ever even realized it is/was. I feel like I’m doing some spring cleaning inside my brain lately. The ADHD tended to blend in with all of the other things that were wrong with me, and so it got missed a lot. I think the biggest revelation for me has been that a lot of the chaos in my brain has been from BOREDOM.
Thats right, boredom.
Anxiety, anger, rage… the arguments, the outbursts, the intrusive thoughts…. Yep. Fucking BOREDOM.
That’s bonkers to think about. It’s like I want to yell at my own damn self like “If you’re bored, go do something”…. But it’s not that kind of boredom. It’s not like when you’re sitting around on a lazy day and going “I’m bored”…. I can be insanely busy but my brain gets bored and I’m subconsciously looking for shit to “liven” things up a bit in the ol noodle, then I get myself in a tizzy about something.
part of fixing this involves me being consciously aware of what’s happening as it’s happening. If I’m feeling a certain way, I just go “is this real or am I just bored?” And the second I figure out I’m bored, it lightens up. The next step to that is figuring out what is triggering those feelings. Is it anger? Fear? Is there a perceived slight?
it all happens in a matter of seconds, so most things I let go pretty quickly.
It feels great to put these tools in action. It feels great to look at where I was, mentally, emotionally, behaviorally- years ago, vs now. I think every year for the last couple years I’ve come even further than I thought was possible, and it feels so good.
It also feels so amazing to have a HEALTHY relationship. It’s not perfect. WE aren’t perfect. But everything about the relationship feels so great. We don’t argue much, although we did in the beginning. We definitely got off to a rocky start. Very toxic, lots of red flags. But he’s in therapy, I’m in therapy, and we are just happy as hell. I still get butterflies, I’m always so excited to see or hear from him, even if we are doing nothing at all. I feel like he gets me, and I get him.
My relationship with my daughter is a little rocky, however. I don’t know what’s going on with her. She was put on anti anxiety meds and hasn’t done great with them. She’s always mad at me, she’s always got a problem with everything I do. I’m walking on eggshells trying not to upset her all the time. She’s in therapy which I’m thankful for. But man I can’t wait until these teenage years pass. She was recently diagnosed with ADHD… which flew completely under the radar with me because HER adhd looks so different from mine! She was also diagnosed with OCD, and with those things has been some sensory processing issues. Everything I do makes her mad though. There’s no winning. I know it’s not her fault, but it has me feeling so guilty so often.
My heart still sucks. I have appointments lined up all the way to spring trying to avoid anything surgical. I’m glad I jumped on it when I did. It gets kind of scary sometimes. At times it feels like I’m having a heart attack and the wind gets knocked out of me. For now I’m doing cardio, eating a little better, and trying to avoid stress as much as possible.
Anyway, that’s all I guess. Idk why I still update this but it feels good to do. I think it’s fun to have a record of all of my BS because it feels good to look back on or something and see how far I’ve come. I’m going to keep it going!