It’s been some time hasn’t it?

I haven’t updated as much because I’ve been busy, tired, busy, busy, and tired.

I’ve been having some heart problems for the last few months… Actually it started in January but was pretty sporadic, and I thought it was just panic attacks so I ignored it. Then in March, while still sporadic, it definitely picked up in intensity. Fast forward to May, I started having what I thought was just nonstop, round the clock, persistent panic attacks, except that it didn’t quite feel right. I was talking to my therapist about it because I wanted it to stop and was hoping she could help me cope. Nothing was working so I finally caved and made an appointment with a PCP. During the two months that I had to wait to see the doctor, I went to the ER because I thought I was literally having a heart attack. I couldn’t even breathe because of the palpitations, chest pains, flutters, pain in my back, etc.

Anyway, got in with a cardiologist, we’re working it all out. Having answers makes it a little more bearable. Like yea it feels like shit 24/7 but those answers keep me sane lol

Aside from that, I’m looking for another job. I loved mine once upon a time, but it’s so different than what it used to be. I want to be out of there, if not by the end of this month, then by next month at the latest. There’s too many “games”, too much office politics, and nowhere to go. Too much micromanaging- I feel as though they need to control every little thing. When speaking to people in other departments, they don’t experience micromanaging on the level that we do. One manager in particular has a mood issue as well. If he’s in a bad mood, he makes sure EVERYONE ELSE is in a bad mood, which earned him a fun nickname. But the micromanaging is to a point where any non-work related conversations at all get us “talked to” and corrected loudly in an uncomfortable way, unless those conversations are started by management. If one of them starts the convo, it’s fine. God forbid any of us start a conversation, then it’s “HEY! I don’t see you working”…. I work HARD. Most of us do. Honestly all but one or two people work hard in my department. I’ve never worked a job where you weren’t allowed to talk to your coworkers. And that’s the thing- we ARE allowed. We just…. Get “talked to” about it if we do.

I have been asking since January to be moved and it hasn’t happened. They’ve been dangling this carrot in front of my face for almost a year.

I just think it’s time to leave.

Relationship wise, things are good. Yes, we had a rocky start. But we have worked all of that out and things are hella smooth now. I’m still very guarded. I’m still not 100% on board with trusting him yet but I’m getting there. He’s literally gone above and beyond to prove himself after all of that. We are looking at houses together now, and planning for a future. It feels good. It really feels right.