I feel all…. Swirly…

Let me preface this by stating that I am a little stoned.

But all of this was sober thoughts too. Which is what prompted me to get stoned in the first place.

(I am so shocked I’m forming whole sentences that make sense, however.)

I feel like I am nothing.
I feel like I contribute nothing to anyone’s life. My role in life feels like it’s all things I HAVE to be. I HAVE to go to work. I HAVE to be a mom. That’s my entire identity. A mom who works a ton. And I have to be both of those things. I feel like a rarely get to be a person or a friend or anything. Sometimes I GET to be someone’s partner. Then it bursts into flames and I no longer get to. I fuck up, they fuck up….

But otherwise I feel like… nothing. I’m replaceable. I’m nobody and nothing of my own. I’m a menace to people. I’m an inconvenience. I’m a regret. I’m a mistake. I’m a secret. I’m a replacement. Im a lesson. I don’t know. I just feel kinda lost a little. I don’t know what to make of that.

Obviously as I’m watching myself write this I’m figuring out that I’m deep into a depression, though. So I guess this was helpful. I suppose I’ll have to talk to my therapist about this next. Probably my psychiatrist. Maybe I can use new meds. I don’t even know. I hate feeling like this.