Follow up to my follow up

I don’t want to accuse him of love bombing, of manipulating me, etc. because a person who is consciously doing those things won’t admit it, they’ll only get defensive and it’ll just start a whole thing. I just sent him the following text:

I DONT want this crap to come up. I don’t want this kind of thing to happen, I DONT want to feel the way I felt last night. And I’ve been fighting with that all day. And wrestling some other things…. There’s a lot I mentally and emotionally cannot handle again. I’ve come so far in what I’ve been able to fix and change and I can’t go backwards. I’m trying to make me better. It’ll be a lifelong process but I cannot take steps backwards and that’s what I felt happening last night which completely shattered any feelings of accomplishments that I’d been feeling in the last few years. How it seemingly took so little to have me feeling like I was on the brink of coming unraveled. Felt like I was a jenga puzzle or something and one block got moved and my entire tower of awesome that I’ve been feeling for years started wobbling. All it took was some words to fuck up my entire foundation over here. All of the “tools” and “tricks” and lessons and everything I’d acquired over the years and I still felt like that last night. Almost Like it took the wind out of me. I mean that literally, my heart was racing so hard and my stomach was in knots and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath when I was driving home. And mentally, I’m a fucking disaster today. Like a whole entire fucking train wreck.
This is so hard for me because of the way I feel about you and that makes me want every second with you but right now I can’t be putting myself in situations that are going to trigger me and send me spiraling back to crazy town when I have worked so hard to get out of there, and I feel like an occurrence like that will send me right back there on the fast track. I know it’s a me thing, but this isn’t something I can go through again. My kid needs me to be here, to be healthy and happy. “

Copt and pasted directly from the texts. So…. Hopefully I can stay strong and stick to my guns. It’s so hard though.