Fighting the good fight

Goddamn, there’s so much weighing me down right now. Mostly just my seasonal depression, guilt, and regret.

The silver lining is I’ve been getting these super creative ideas and my stupid brain has been expressing these feelings artistically. Unfortunately I don’t FEEL them artistically. It feels like hell. I try to step back and talk myself into feeling better but to no avail. I remind myself of everything I have going for me, and it’s like… great. So I’m miserable with all of these awesome people and things around me.

My dog is accidentally my therapy dog. I love him so much. He makes me get up and do things. But he’s also good for nap time snugs.  He makes me

laugh so much with his silly personality. Watching his short little stumpy corgi legs run just melts me.  He cracks me up because he tries to talk like a peoples and it comes out as a little “awoooooo…” and it’s so damn cute.

my relationship with my daughter is continuing to get better but despite this, I’m still so bogged down by guilt from not showing up for her like I’ve should all of these years. I’ve never been the mother she needs or deserves. As hard as I try though I’m still hit with obstacles that cause me fuckups with raising her. I can never get that time back. I can never go back and do better. That guts me. I think about it daily.

i have a partner who is by far the most present and most supportive human being I could ever dream of. I’ve never been so comfortable with a person before, and I’ve told him about everything, and he’s never shown even the slightest hint of apprehension about anything. Thankfully he’s never seen me at my worst but I’ve told him all about it. His response? Trying to get to know more about it, reassuring me that he’s in this for the long haul, and told me we are all a work in progress, but he’s willing to always work on himself along with me as long as I’ll let him.
My oh my, am I in love.

Roof over my head, $100k job, daughter, partner, vehicle, cats, dog, family…. And apathy. Or depression. For me it’s the same. I’m on Effexor, which I seem to develop a tolerance too, because it feels far less effective. I see a therapist.

Yet I feel like I’m in a dark room where the air is being sucked out of it, 24/7. I don’t know how else to explain it. It isn’t triggered by anything I can think of, but maybe because it doesn’t really go away. I’m not sure when it started- if it’s been days/weeks/months….

I just need a lobotomy I think.