Dramatic much?

Rough couple of days. I was a fucking mess the other day. I was so hurt. HE was hurt too. That made me feel better. I talked with the ex girlfriend a bit, even she made me feel better. She related to everything I was going through because she went through it first.

Then I deleted my socials.

Yesterday and today I’m doing great though *knock on wood*
The pain comes in waves, but it’s like grieving for someone who didn’t even exist in the first place. The person I fell in love with was an honest, loyal, sweet, kind man. He did not even exist, because the person he turned out to be was a lying, cheating, selfish and manipulative man.

He was so mad at me for finding out. He was so mad at me for his ex girlfriend reaching out to me with screen shots and proof of his deception. He said I was villainizing him, beating him up over it, that he broke up with her for me (he did after a month)…. Said that I was living in the past, that I should just get over it, etc.
All of that hurt even more, I think, because it told me he didn’t even understand how deep he cut me. If he did, he wouldn’t be so mad at me for finding out!!!!!

He also accused me of “digging” to find information as an excuse to end the relationship. Like, WHAT??? Motherfucker…. SHE reached out to ME. And every time she’d send me another screen shot and I’d mention it to him he’d go off on me again and say that I shouldn’t have asked him out in the first place if I didn’t really want to be with him. The level of gaslighting and manipulation has been fucking real.

Fast forward, we met at a park to talk. We had some good conversations, got to the bottom of some things, he admitted he lied a lot, that he knows he hurt me, that he got mad at me because he knew he was wrong, knew how bad he hurt me, was being defensive as a result, and that I didn’t deserve any of it. Then he gave me the opportunity to lose my shit on him, and I did, and he sat and took it. I basically just beat him over the head with how much I loved him, how hurt I was that I thought I knew him but didn’t at all, that I just felt so betrayed and embarrassed and I asked him some other questions and he answered everything honestly. I told him he doesn’t deserve the right to be defensive because what he did was so fucked up.

Couple things though…

He told me he was spending time with her but not sleeping with her. When I talked to her she asked about certain dates that he and I had spent together in a hotel room, and she said “That motherfucker told me his 🍆 didn’t work and that he was going to see a doctor about it.”…. So that part was true. He wast sleeping with her.

But he was SLEEPING with her. He would go and hug and kiss as snuggle at night with her, while telling us both “you are my world” . Just that he was only having a sexual relationship with me.

He told me that he didn’t really love her. That he tried to love her but never felt that way.

She told me they didn’t say “I love you” to one another for almost a year. He said it to me after about 2 weeks. He told me he’s never fallen so hard so fast for anyone. She told me that he told her that he just didn’t fall in love much because he was guarded from childhood trauma (which he has a lot of)

He told me that he didn’t break up with her right away because he didn’t want to hurt her because she had just lost her job and was having a rough time with life.

She told me that she was working but that she was giving him money for things and that’s why she feels like he wouldn’t break up with her.

She was a sweetheart, I will say that.

It all still hurts but I’ve been keeping busy. At night it hurts. In the morning it hurts more. But I’m burying myself in work and activities and reading…. And writing!!! I started writing a short story, I’ve got most of it done. I don’t know where I’ll put it once it’s done, I’m not trying to do anything with it, just doing it for fun. I wanna start up my podcast again because I got a new laptop.

One thing I can say…. I’ve done some fucked up shit in my day but I’d NEVER do this to someone. Maybe he’s my karma.