Is it just me?

This is my first time doing anything like this. I just feel so lost. So I will start from the beginning and take whoever wants to follow on my journey. I will try to post a few times a week but at first might be everyday to just get things off my mind. I have set up therapy as well in hopes this helps with something.

I just feel so alone even though I am surrounded by people. I am trying to get out of the people pleaser stage and in doing this I have lost friends which sucks.

Lets go back a ways.

I left a very toxic relationship a few years back that I was in for entirely too long. The man tracked every move I made, played head games, put a tracking device on my car, hit me, so so much. After I had the courage to leave I had to file a restraining order I had so much evidence but honestly this process was a nightmare as soon as he was served contact stopped. Great right? No the courts just didn’t care about my safety since he stopped but he only stopped because there was a temp restraining order put into place. So eventually this fades out and I quit fighting because the judge just didn’t care. I filed a police report for the tracking device he put on my car, thankfully he wasn’t smart and remove it in a place that had video surveillance 24/7. I let him drive off because I was in complete shock. I should have been smarter recorded him on my phone or blocked him in before he got back into his vehicle and called 911. I didn’t. I just sat there and cried. I fought with victims advocate for charges and they pressed charges for stalking. Great again right finally getting justice. NO! A new assistant district attorney dropped the charges since he stopped contacting me. According to the victims unit this was against the rules as the ADA is supposed to get approval from the victims unit when a victim is involved this was never done. Victims unit said they did advise her boss and they were setting up a meeting with her, the ADA. But double jeopardy he GETS AWAY WITH IT! Nothing I can go. I feel so defeated and like I am crazy. He tells everyone I am lying about the abuse and not to mention cheating.

Fast forward after charges are dropped maybe a few months later. I run into him at a cafe. I wanted to show him how strong I was and speak my peace since I was never able to. I started yelling at the top of my lungs at everyone in the cafe about him, pointing to him, telling everyone to check their cars for tracking devices etc. I left and of course he left right after and there a GIRL IN HIS CAR. I start talking to her and warning her of everything he did to me. Afterwards I even sent her a message telling her to get out, to get to safety and I would help if needed. That I could provide any help. For her childrens safety I did not want her or them to go through what I did. Of course, she told me to leave her alone. I can only imagine how I looked, you know like the crazy ex. Narcs are so good about spinning the story and me acting out, I am sure he was feeding her ear “see I told you she was crazy.” I block her and move on, I did what I could to help nothing more I can do and I am not going to go back and fourth with her.

Fast forward almost a year. I get a text from a number I don’t know, it says “Do you still want to make ____ life miserable.” After going back and fourth find out it was the gf I tried to warn before. I found the courage to meet her at another place. I needed answers. I had learned I was never crazy as in it was not all in my head, just the validation from the years of mental abuse and mind games is what I needed I think. She went on to tell me they met in secret many times when we were on breaks, this never happened, there were no breaks. She also told me she knew about the tracking device that he admitted it to her. Even worse this man talked about me non stop to her about me, would drive by my house with her in the car, was still talking to some of my family to find things out about me and so much more. I wanted to throw up. It was great to hear it wasn’t in my head but sickening to know he got away with everything he did to me, there was a girl before me and now he was abusing her doing things he once did to me.

Now we are friendsish, the ex and me. She is so kind, I love her big heart. I don’t hold resentment I know how that man can be, the mind games and he makes it so easy to believe him. I felt for her. I still do that she endured that. I am glad I got a friend out of that horrible situation. I don’t see her much but it is a nice friendship. I am thankful to be friends with someone who truly understands how I feel, who can relate. Someone who can understand why I stayed instead of friends being confused – if this makes sense.

I lost so many friends because of him, he would reach out to them and feed them terrible lies some told me and some never did. Some knew I was being abused and believed things he said. Those friendships faded when I finally got into a healthy relationship. It was almost like they enjoyed our friendship because all the stuff I was going through and they wanted all the details but once I was in a healthy relationship I never really heard from them again. Anyone else relate or understand what I am trying to say?

When I ended the friendships of course I was the bad guy because I couldn’t handle “low maintenance” friendships. My feelings did not feel valid to them it was just reverting the conversation into how I am a bad person for ending the friendship. I deserve more. I deserve friends who are there for all stages not just in dark times. Of course, one girl well call her Kathleen told our mutual group of friends who then stooped to her level and posted quotes about low maintenance friendships. I am just I do not have the time or want to put energy into people like this. I was nice I told them I wish them the best and no hard feelings – I just don’t understand the maturity level and the need to feel like acting that way.

questions?

Until Tomorrow….

xoxo lonelymom1106