The Silence is Deafening

Today has been a difficult day. I feel like I am a hollow person and what was of me is fading away.

After getting to work this morning, I logged into the joint account that I share with my husband. I noticed that he paid over $1,500.00 on his credit card gut only added $400.00 to the account all month. This startled me as our mortgage payment was coming out today as well. I texted him and angrily questioned him on it to which he replied “don’t worry about it I am cashing out my pension soon”. I was more than worried as my anxiety levels peeked and my breathing became louder and heavier. I decided not to add any more money to the account and logged out and just let it be as there was enough in there to pay this month’s mortgage.

The work day went on to be very hectic and clients were calling all over the place, I couldn’t keep up with things. On top of that I had so many things in on my mind.

Mom invited me out to dinner and I accepted. At the end of the work day I drove home, picked up the two dogs and headed to my parent’s house for dinner. Mom had cooked seasoned chicken legs, roasted potatoes and corn. As we ate I noticed that my father didn’t seem well. He has been having some health issues the past while and it really seems to be keeping him down. He has very unhealthy habits including smoking, stressing out over everything, gets very little sleep, eats very unhealthy with most of his diet consisting of fast food and whatever is high in trans fat. He doesn’t look good at all these days with a face so wrinkled it looks like leather, red faced, dark black bags under his eyes and just constant worry beaming out of him. Both sides of his family have had many deaths associated with cancer including his two sisters, mother and father. I am worried that he has cancer and I cannot bear to lose him right now or ever to be true. As much as he irritates me with his constant worrying and suggestions and anger, I still love him with all of my heart. He is the only person in this world who cares so much for me that he would die for me. Always calling me to check in, always making sure I have enough money to get by and that things in my life are going okay. He is always there when I need him and these past few weeks, that has been a lot. I know I am predicting things that may never happen but my life seems so tossed and detrimental these days that I can only assume the worse.

When I returned home the house felt so dead and empty. I could hear the fridge making ice as it was so silent. The dog’s paws clicked on the laminate floor as they walked around. My plants are even starting to die, I guess they are sensing all the despair that lives here now (love don’t live here anymore). My Orchid Plant which was vibrantly healthy since November of last year just withered and lost all of its white flowers this past weekend. I cannot feel any joy in any part of my body, just complete fear and gloom. I feel weak and tired from the heaviness of my mentality and will to keep going which is slowly suffocating me. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for and nobody, completely alone except for the visits with my parents. I have co-workers but I don’t associate with them just through professional dealings. It seems as if the whole world is buzzing and full of life while my life has been paused, waiting for someone to hit the play button again. I am so alone that I considered joining Bumble to meet a friend or somebody more so just for comfort and company. I really have no desire to date anyone as I still love my husband but cannot live with the constant insecurities that he brings to our life together. I was researching methods of suicide this weekend. I am too much of a coward to actually go through with it, but I believe if it gets to a certain point where I can no longer go on living I will do it through short suspension hanging.

My husband hasn’t slept home now in three nights. I am guessing that he is staying with with his friend or his parents. I think about him constantly and even went into his closet and smelled his sweat shirts this evening. I feel so lost without him in my life and so scared. He doesn’t communicate with me only if I text him and I haven’t seen him in days. I miss him and I know it is going to be torture to be separated from him. We have an interest in the sale of our home and may have a buyer, it is all going to be real soon. I will miss this house as I have so many fond and beautiful memories here. I felt happiness in this home for the first time in my life and now I will be leaving it and I wonder if I will ever find that happiness again.

I cry myself to sleep with my hand on my dog’s back. I am even scared for her that she is going to hate the changes to come and that it will affect her greatly especially being separated from her sister dog. She is what keeps me going right now, I do everything for her and live for her to be happy. She is my sunshine on a rainy day.