I Love You So Much I Hate You

It has been over three weeks now since my husband and I split.  I came to my breaking point before that due to chronic stress due to my husband’s chronic work issues. Here is the short story of the long story:

When we first met he was unemployed but running a start up company. He quit his high paying professional job because he didn’t like working underneath the engineers there as he was a drafter under the engineers.

After a while of dating he started looking for work but couldn’t find anything and had to put his house up for sale. He eventually sold his house and with luck got a job through the husband of a co-worker of mine. There was no better job he could have have landed. It was a long distance from our home town but the salary was well worth the drives and nights away from home. This was a dream job and we were both thrilled. I had a house bought through the help of my parents and he was sharing in the costs as my common law spouse. He was gone 10 days and home for 4 and then gone again. The salary was wonderful and would have been very beneficial in our lives had my husband not pissed away all the money he made. He was still financing that start up company and putting a lot income into it. He also purchased a new truck with all cash, a Quad and brand new RV for the nights he was away from home. We found another home and put down the downpayment together and shared our first home. It was beautiful and I quickly fell in love with our new home, my husband and satisfying life. It felt so whole and secure and full filling, I felt like I had everything I ever wanted in life. I didn’t need anything or anyone else in my life, it was complete. It was all going good until it happened. He got laid off or more like let go because of calling in sick, not taking orders from a certain person, being spiteful and not pulling enough weight. This was a nightmare and my world was exploding before my eyes. I got so stressed out during this time that I developed an illness called endometriosis and also experienced chronic pain. I felt so ill and exhausted and uneasy and then still had to work a job I hated while worrying about my husband’s finding employment especially since he was not worried about anything. He would stay up all hours in the night, smoke weed until he couldn’t speak, slept at times until 3:00 p.m. in the day would never help with any of the housekeeping. To make matters even worse he gained a large amount of weight and my level of being attracted to him lessened as the days went on.

This went on for almost two years until he lucked into a job with a local company with decent salary for the area. He could drive to work in 10 minutes. He liked it in the beginning and my mind finally went into ease mode again and I wasn’t afraid to buy a sandwich for my lunch in fear that I would need those couple of dollars for the approaching of our financial crisis. Life was good again for a good while UNTIL he developed spinal issues due to his work station and the company refusing to purchase the equipment which he demanded that he needed for health reasons. He never got the equipment and I am sure there was far more to the story than I was made aware of but he filed a Worker’s Compensation Claim and was being insured as an injured worker, who was momentarily disabled. As I was advised of this news my heart sunk and broke into pieces in my chest. I felt bad that he was dealing with all the pain and the ruptured discs in his back but also in panic mode that he would never be able to work again. He functioned fine at home, doing some lifting, going to the cabin on the Quad, even began building another cabin. The only time that his back gave him grief was when he had to sit at a desk for a long period of time. I just couldn’t let it go that he did everything else fine but he couldn’t sit at the desk. It bothered me constantly and I was also stressed sick awaiting a major surgery which I had to undergo for my illness. He was off work for a whole year with much disputing with medical specialists, therapists, worker’s comp enployees and whoever else crossed his path to do with the subject. After my surgery he went back to work full time as he was on ease back for the first part of it. This lasted about six months and then he suddenly got laid off. I remembered his stories about how he would take naps in the quiet room and in his truck because they injured him and couldn’t let him go. He had a spiteful attitude there and his bitterness seeped through his skin, he brought it home with him as well. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would get let go anyhow with his behaviour and refusal to put what he could into his job. He thought he had them all outsmarted and that he was invincible but once again he was stubborn and stupid. He complained of spinal pain from time to time after that but it didn’t seem half as bad as when he was working at the desk. He was doing all normal day to day tasks including many cabin excursions with the quad and periods of constructing the cabin.

After this he looked for employment and had interviews but didn’t gain employment. I knew it was time to put our home up sale which we have been living in for 7 years. I texted him one morning and said you think it’s time we put the house up for sale? He was now currently unemployed for two months. He texted me back that he couldn’t work right how and that he needed to see a specialist on an urgent basis and that he needed his back injury dealt with first. Along with this he was seeing a lawyer about suing his last employee as they laid him off 3 months short of a year from the time of his full time return to work. He didn’t accept the severance they offered but contacted Worker’s Comp and lawyers and Human Rights filing claims and seeing what he could get out of all of this. His mind was headed down a river without a raft or a paddle again and there was no turning him around. I am pretty sure he had it set in his head to go on permanent disability with Worker’s Comp while trying to pursue a large settlement from his employer. I texted back that the house was going up for sale and that I would have to go out on my own when the house sold and he replied simply, “I understand”.

So that was the start of what now has been three weeks with no love for one another, living in silence and avoiding each other by living in separate rooms. He would rather lose his wife than try to get a job and put everything else behind him so we could finally move on with our lives. I couldn’t handle the constant stress anymore and the stupid decisions which left us with zero savings. I love him so much but cannot go on with his unstable work status and bitterness and anger with authority.  I know it sounds awful of me, like I am leaving him because of a work related disability but there is a lot more information to fill in between the lines and I will get into all of that eventually.

Trying to imagine my life from here on and what my future holds. I don’t have much desire for another man right now and once I do this man will have a secure steady income. My heart aches because I lost my best friend, the one person I enjoyed talking to and who for the most part would listen to me. He was my rock at times and helped me to discover who I am and I love him for that. I just can’t go on down this road without him even trying to make our lives better. It is a tragic end to what could have been such a beautiful story.

He has been staying at his parent’s house the past week and took one of his dogs along with him and left me with one.  It is the most difficult thing I have had to go through.  I feel so alone as I don’t have many friends due to my extreme social anxiety.  I felt when I was with my husband and the dogs that was all I needed, nobody else around to ripple the calm life we had together.  He was my everything, my best friend, my lover my support and now I have nobody.  It feels like a death to me.