Crushing My Pills With Misery

This day has been extremely dark and heavy.  I still feel like my heart is empty and like there is nothing that can fill it up.

I awoke around 9:00 a.m., got ready and headed over to a friend’s house to smoke some weed and head in to see It 2, even though I can’t stand those type of movies as they are so unrealistic.  I was so lonely and desperate that I agreed to go with her.  When I got to her house, I was still feeling groggy and sluggish from the effects of the Clonazepam and Cannabis I took the night before to get me through the night and help me crash.  Once I smoked some weed, I felt wrecked.

As suspected, the movie was awful and 2.5 hours long, I have never been so excited for a movie to end in all of my life.  Once over. we headed back to her house and I got my car and headed home.  The sun  was blazing but it couldn’t brighten the darkness inside me.  I find the bright days always make my mood worse when I am feeling low.  It feels as if everyone is in full life form out doing what they are supposed to be doing which is living while I am just isolated in my own miserable world.  I was feeling very dragged out from the long movie and once I got to the house my husband was already gone with the dogs somewhere.  I was actually relieved because all I wanted to do was go in and take some pills and sleep the day away so I wouldn’t have to feel any more of the unbearable pain.  I had some Percocets leftover from my surgery almost a year ago so I crushed one in a baggy with a hammer and made lines out of the powder on a hard cover book and snorted it all with a straw.  It burned as I inhaled into my nose and was bitter in the back of my throat.  I also took an antidepressant called Lexapro which I was supposed to be taking with my Wellbutrin but stopped due to the feeling of malace it gave me.  I was feeling desperate and even had a little hope that I would fall asleep and just die and never wake up and have to feel the dreadful darkness ever again. I started to feel numb and tired and blank.  I put my Linkin Park playlist on, locked my bedroom door and just dazed off for 3 or 4 hours not even sure if I slept but I think I did for a short amount of time.  I felt disgusting when I got out of the bed and ran a hot bath.

Once out of the bath I headed out and got a burger and fries, headed back home and ate it in bed.  Then I took some Clonazepam and my Wellbutrin but I didn’t seem to feel any effect.  I can’t even drown out my misery with pills, it goes that deep.  I may take some more Clonazepam soon and hope it blanks me out into a deep slumber and maybe I will never wake up again.

Every day seems to be getting harder for me.

Further to my entry about the Strawberry Blonde Cop, he messaged me back on Instagram about the earrings.  Being as kind as he was he said he would look for them and put out an email for me.  I thanked him and told him how he made me feel better on the day he took me to the psychiatric hospital and that he was a very nice person to talk with.  He responded again with a nice message wishing me well and said I was nice to talk with as well.  I starred at this message for about an hour trying to figure out what to say.  Finally, I wrote back and said if you ever want to hang out, send me a message.  About 3 hours later I got a response that said “I don’t think that would be doable in a social setting as I have a girlfriend and I don’t think she would appreciate that”, along with wishing me well and stating he would let me know if the earrings came up.  I apologized and told him I was embarrassed and he responded not to be as how was I to have known.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the “social setting” comment and was wondering if he was hinting that he would meet up in a private setting so I wrote back “what do you mean by social setting? lol”.  He then then responded basically stating that he wasn’t sure if I meant hang out as a date or the same as when we initially met and he wasn’t sure how to word it.  I responded that it can be confusing over text and that I meant either social setting, private setting or whatever setting really, then thanked him again and he wished me well and I haven’t heard back since.  Was that crazy of me to do?  I couldn’t stop obsessing over him it was so distracting.  I really felt on our first meet that he had a thing for me as I could feel it.  Do you think he meant the social setting as in an area outside his job or do you think he wanted to meet privately for a hook up?  That is all I really what from him anyway, he was cute and I need some affection right now and for some reason he is the person I want to get it from.

My husband still avoids me and we live like roommates who hate each other.  I mostly stay in the bedroom while he uses the living room and it is extremely isolating.  If there was a pill I could take that would just put me to sleep and I would feel no pain but just peacefully die, I would take that pill.  I am afraid my suicide attempts wouldn’t work and that scares me from doing it.  I just wish I could get the courage.  I know there is a lot of help out there but it doesn’t seem to do much for me.  I am my own worse enemy and a very desperate person right now.