Bumble Devil

I feel sick, I am so depressed.  I haven’t been this low in a very long time and it’s scary.  I just want to take Benzos and Cannabis  and get in bed and blank out.  I am making it through work although I am quite forgetful and slow from all the self medicating.  I really don’t know how else to cope with it.  My mind is in so much pain, its comparable to someone poking needles down your finger nails.  I know physical pain is no fun experience as I have had that as well but I would take physical pain over major depression any day.

I feel so lonely that I joined Bumble to meet both men and women but mostly to chat with.  I have met some really friendly people on there but nobody compares to my husband.  I feel so lost even though he is in the next room.  We live in silence as he came back from his parent’s house and is now in the same house.  I go to the kitchen to get some food and he will be on the sofa watching television and not even turn my way.  I have done the silent treatment on him before and its mean but I learned it through the treatment of my parents as they would and still do it to me.  Because of that, silent treatment makes me feel so lonely and hated.  I feel like everyone is against me and its all my fault because of my crazy episodes and rage from the darkness within.

I have many people talking to me on Bumble, girls and guys who are interested and also interesting to me but I feel so guilty about it.  The reason I am doing this is because I need to hear kind words from people and feel like I am desirable and wanted by someone.  I am having doubts on everything and wondering if I made a mistake with everything going on with my husband.  I hope I am not overreacting and its my mental illness making me think things are far difference from reality.  All the same, if he wasn’t sick of it all and cared, would he want to come hug me and talk to me?

I dropped our dog off to him this past weekend as he was dog sitting for his brother and I was going out for the day.  I exaggerated  my whole plan, I was only going to the Farmer’s Market with my friend but said I was going out for the night.  He starting saying be safe and stuff like that.  I dressed up with my best make up, best outfit, curled my hair and headed over to drop over the dog.  He never really acknowledged much of me while I was there.  After leaving and driving to meet my friend a text came in and said “do you want to fuck”?  I asked are you kidding?  He replied no come back now and then go wherever later.  I didn’t really know what to think but was a little happy that he still wanted me in some way.  I turned down his advances and then we got into a little text conversation.  Nothing good came out of it but he kept saying I was too good for him and deserved better.  He then went on to the not talking awkward stage once I seen him again.  He really did just want to fuck, I am sure that’s all he wants from me anymore.  He certainly doesn’t want to put in the emotional work and try and fix things to make both our lives easier.

I feel the worse when I wake up in the mornings.  It is like I forget that my life has changed and then once I realize, I get a feeling of void in my stomach and my chest feels tight.  It is not easy and I can’t see any of this getting easy.

Do you think it’s bad that I am talking to people on Bumble?