It’s been a long time…

Well, here we go again.
This is my second Open Diary. I had one which I wrote in religiously from about 2002 until about 2008 (I think; it may have been neglected before that time.) Back then, I used this site to deal with a variety of issues I had in college, but it was mostly me whining about various love interests, if I’m being completely honest.
Honesty was one of the reasons I originally started writing one of these all those years ago. I felt like this was a place where I could give a true accounting of the events of my life. I made friends, some of whom I met in real life after cross-country trips. I felt like the people I became close with here knew me better than most of the people I knew in real life.
Then the people I knew in real life found my diary, and all of that changed. I felt like I could not be as open as I once was, without suffering real-world consequences. I could no longer talk about my personal feelings and foibles without being judged when sitting at a friend’s house or in a restaurant. I had to restrain myself, and I truly felt like a part of me was lost.
The last 15 years have been very eventful. I married the love of my life, whom I’ll call M. We have been mostly very happy. Sure, there have been rough patches along the way, but we have always powered through them and continued to strengthen and grow our love.
M and I have had two lovely boys, ages 9 and 7 ( as of this writing), whom I’ll call L and A. They are good humans, in general, but they are a handful. They can get pretty naughty when they are together, but I love them both and would do anything for them.

My primary goal in life is to be a good husband and a great dad. I’m not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I am patient, to a point; I sometimes lose my temper after being provoked enough. I am not forthcoming with my feelings; I have a hard time telling people (even those I’m closest to) how I really feel, especially when something is bothering me.

But for all that is good in my life, I feel that there is almost as much which is negative. Primary among the bad is the fact that I am altogether lonely. Throughout my life I have had friendships. I am a good person with a quick wit. I am kind and caring, and a great listener. But I don’t open up easily and have a hard time forming close bonds with people. In today’s age, that may not seem problematic to many people. “Why not just connect with old friends on social media?” Well, I can’t. I don’t use it. I’ve felt firsthand what it does to me emotionally and mentally, back when I had Facebook (I deleted my account many years ago.) I’ve also seen how it impacts others. But that is a story for another time.
The fact of the matter is that I am lonely. I have a wonderful family, big changes in the coming months, and almost nobody to talk to about any of it.