I Might Have To Make The Toughest Decision of My Life

Well. Since it will take some time to retrieve my old diary and entries (or rather a place to store it all as I do not have a computer any more), I thought I’d start a new profile to be able to start writing again.

Where do I begin? I have an amazing relationship and partner with my fiancee. He truly is great person to even know, let alone get to be with. He is great to me and for me. And I love him to pieces. Been together for almost 6 years, known each other for almost 8.  Being with him is wonderful and he is pretty much my best friend.

However, things have changed lately…or rather, I’ve changed. There was a point in time where I thought I’d be a mother, but someday way down the road. Then I met him and he really wasn’t interested in having kids, at least not just then (although he and his ex-fiancee had talked about having children someday). And that was just fine with me. I was enjoying life without any kids. After a while, I began to think that I may be just fine without ever having them, and I expressed that out loud to anyone who would listen. Particularly to family members who kept asking me when I was gonna get it together and finally have kids. I rebelled against this notion that I MUST do this. Well, it turns out that I guess I just wasn’t yet ready…because I definitely am now.

For the past 3 years or so I’ve had this very strong urge and pull to be a mother. Not just a mother, but a stay-at-home mother. Able to stay home and take care of my baby and my house properly. Do the shopping for everyone and have dinner ready when my husband got home from work. Maybe if I had any time left over, play some video games or read a comic/book. As it is, I spend 9 hours at a completely meaningless job that barely pays my bills.

After about a year of turmoil with these feelings kept to myself (because I knew how he’d react), I expressed this desire to him with no success. He’s the kinda guy that completely freaks out at the thought of even a missed period. He definitely would not be happy if a pregnancy test came out positive. After speaking to him about it initially, he just didn’t think it could work and expressed his sadness at not being able to give me what it was that would make me happy. Then we dropped it.

I felt that at least now that it was out in the open that I could now talk to him about how I was feeling when I was sad about it. So about a week after first talking about it, I was walking through Target and passed through the baby aisle. Seeing it all made my heart break and I started crying there in the damn Target. So I called him and told him how I was feeling. His response to this was to schedule a vasectomy as soon as he could.

That was like a slap in the face. But I thought maybe if I didn’t bring it up again too soon, he might get over that reaction and come to his senses and we could figure it out. Well, a few months go by due to insurance and doctor scheduling issues, but his appointment was fast approaching and I didn’t know what to do. I talked to my sister about it, who at the time was already a mother of two with one on the way. She would be coming for a visit anyway (we live across the country from each other), and while she was here, she’d talk to him as a parent and see if that would sway him at all…and if it didn’t, then I would have to think hard and long about what I would be able to live with or without and make a very tough decision.

Well she arrived here, and it turns out the actual reason for her visit is because he was planning on proposing to me.

He gathered our friends and family at the Karaoke Bar we used to go to together all the time. He was singing on the stage in a suit, when I walked in, serenading me, and then brought me on stage to ask me to marry him in front of everyone we knew here.

It was everything I was longing for in an engagement proposal from him for so long (we had been together over 5 years, plus two years before that dating on and off)…and yet it was marred by this hanging thought of what I was going to do with my life if he stayed adamant about not having children.

I said yes and it was so very bittersweet. My sister’s trip comes and goes without her ever uttering a word to him about it. His vasectomy date was looming and causing me to internally freak out. A few days before he’s scheduled to have it, I became panicked and had to tell him how I was feeling before he went through with it. I again iterated my desire and yearning to be a mother, he still did not want to have children, but cancelled the surgery to give me peace of mind. Getting that surgery was just so final and permanent to me.

I assured him that I didn’t want to break up, I loved him. It was and still is true. I’d love nothing more than for us to be be with each other and grow old together…I just also want one child along with us.

Months have gone by now since that last conversation about it. There was never a good time to bring it up. It was right before Halloween. Then Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE and Valentine’s Day came and went. And now it is March and I’ve got to bring up the subject again this weekend. I can’t keep living this life day in and day out. It’s killing me inside and I’m not getting any younger, as I will be 36 years old later this year.

This weekend will be a big deciding factor in what I will do with the rest of my life and I’m tied up in knots over it. I’ve come up with ideas and figures of how it can all work out and wrote it all down to present to him with my argument for children. I’m willing to give up almost everything to do it. No more comics, videogames, getting my nails done, expensive hair cuts and makeup. All would be worth it to be able to be a mom…

Now I just have to convince him it could work…the problem lies in the fact that I just don’t think he really wants it at all, ultimately. And if so, then I’m going to have to make one fucking tough decision. =/