He Never Wants Kids…Also Found Out My Youngest Sister is Now Pregnant

You are a complete person as you are, and don’t need a child to improve on that.  And the truth is, child-free couples are happier.  If he is truly the love of your life, what do you think the odds are of finding another of those?  Why sacrifice that for a second best relationship and a child that can ultimately disappoint you?

Are you familiar with “The Childless Couple”?

There is nothing sadder than a childless couple. It breaks my heart to see them relaxing around swimming pools in Florida, sitting all suntanned and miserable on the decks of their boats — trotting off to Europe like lonesome fools. It’s an empty life. Nothing but money to spend, more time to enjoy and a whole lot less to worry about.

The poor childless couple are so wrapped up in themselves, you have to feel sorry for them. They don’t fight over the child’s discipline, don’t blame each other for the child’s most obnoxious characteristics, and they miss all the fun of doing without for the child’s sake. They just go along, doing whatever they want, buying what they want and liking each other. It’s a pretty pathetic picture.

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experience that accompanies each stage in the development of the young — the happy memories of sleepless nights, coughing spells, tantrums, diaper rash, debts, “dipso” baby sitters, saturated mattresses, emergencies and never-ending crises.

How dismal is the peaceful home without the constant childish problems that make a well-rounded life and an early breakdown; the tender, thoughtful discussions when the report card reveals the progeny to be one step below a moron; the end-of-the-day reunions with all the joyful happenings recited like well-placed blows to the temples.

Children are worth it. Every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice, every complete collapse pays off as a fine, sturdy adolescent is reached. The feeling of reward the first time you took the boy hunting — he didn’t mean to shoot you, the lad was excited. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? And how much better you felt after the blood transfusion? These are the times a man with a growing son treasures — memories that are captured forever in the heart and the limp.

Think back to the night of romantic adventure when your budding daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shared in the stark realism of that drama? Aren’t you a better man for having lived richly, fully, acquiring that tic in your left eye? Could a woman without children touch the strength and heroism of your wife as she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window?

The childless couple live in a vacuum. They fill their lonely days with golf, vacation trips, dinner dates, civic affairs, tranquility, leisure and entertainment. There is a terrifying emptiness without children, but the childless couple are too comfortable to know it.

You just have to look at them to see what the years have done: He looks boyish, unlined and rested; she’s slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn’t natural. If they had had kids, they’d look like the rest of us — worn out, wrinkled and exhausted.

Husband and I had this same conversation a couple of years ago. I shall write you my novel…lol.

Husband and I are both the babies of our families. Neither of us were huge into babysitting nor feeling the desire to “hold the baby.” We also met in our twenties (me 21, him 27 and divorced) and were fairly independent. We always assumed that eventually we would have kids, but when we would think about how our lives would change, we’d realize we weren’t ready.

As I got close to 30, we realized if we were going to do it, it should be soon. Medical advancements are great but I didn’t want my first pregnancy to automatically high risk because of my age. So we spent the next 12 months not preventing. If it happened, it happened. Well, it didn’t happen. So we scheduled an appointment with a specialist. I have a malformed uterus, half the egg count I should have for my age, and even though I am regular in my cycle, I have a “hostile environment”.

Fertility is an elective for insurance. And that shit is expensive. My human quaaluud of a husband has very few buttons to push and finances is one of them. He did not want to risk being 10-20k in debt just to get pregnant, then he cost of pregnancy and preparation, then the cost of keeping the kid alive and healthy. He just couldn’t handle it. And when we thought about what else we could use that money for, kids were not high on that list.

So taking the advice of some friends, we spent the next 6 months living and planning as if we wouldn’t have kids. Just to see how we would feel about it. Just pretend it won’t happen and see how you feel.

We decided not to pursue having kids and that money is taking us to Ireland in June and paying off the rest of our credit card debt.

We did build in a contingency though. If, say in 5-8 years we decide that not having kids is a regret, then we would adopt a toddler or young child…not a baby. We realized through our conversations that “kids” weren’t the problem but “babies” were our hang up. We are not baby people. We don’t smell heads or joke about changing poopy diapers or want to hold the baby. It’s not our thing. But you get us in a room of a child old enough to use the bathroom and communicate with words (even if it’s limited), we are much more comfortable.

So once we enjoy our 30s and get settled in our careers, and travel a bit, and just…live and enjoy our marriage…if that nagging sensation of the circle of life comes back to our brains, then we will pursue adoption. Because at that point, forking up the money for a kid will be something both of us will be okay with because we’ve done the Things.

When I broke the news to my “need more grandchildren” mother, I about died emotionally. I had to and still have to cope with the fact that I may never have the same relationship with my parents that my siblings have. My house will never be their first choice to stay at because we don’t have kids. And when I think about all the things my parents do for the kids, it nearly breaks me every time.

And what about all that stuff that we won’t get to experience? Good times and bad? …I miss it, and I think of all the romantic ideas of being a parent, and then I see the reality as I spend time with my nieces and nephews…and it’s not enough to make me want it more than I want to experience the rest of the world.

You’ll find your peace. It won’t be easy. You’re in a tough stop. But keep that communication open with your partner. Even if it’s hard. You have to be on the same page and you have to agree for the RIGHT reasons. Have faith in your relationship and in yourself. You’ll get there. You just have to climb the hill out of the valley.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I truly appreciate it. ❤

I am so sorry. My situation isn’t exactly the same as yours, but the feelings resonate.

If this is very important to you, it must be made perfectly clear that it’s s deal breaker. That his refusal to negotiate might endanger the status of their marriage. I would also recommend counseling because there is a legitimate, deep seeded reason to why he doesn’t want kids.  Some men are scared, petrified of being responsible for a new human being. Afraid they might be a failure as a parent. Afraid he might be as bad as his own dad, maybe as abusive if it was present in his childhood. People who suffered trauma in childhood are often very afraid to have kids.

I was scared of small kids before I became a parent, now I can’t imagine life without them. When a toddler tried to hug me before I would often recoil in fear, afraid that I might break him/her. Today I’m at the front of the line for hugs and often the first to step up if I see a parent in need of help.

People often mock and ridicule it, but these fears are real. The only way to find out what is going on is to talk to each other and understand how everyone feels about the issue and why.

Take care,

I think you might end up resenting him later on in life if you choose to stay with him and not get to have a baby. I won’t even try to tell you what to do, because I can’t even say what I would do. Just hoping you’ll get both. Any chance of him changing his mind?

Oh dearie. Funnily enough, it might either be an age thing, an earth’s orbit thing, or that our lives (no matter distance or time) are always somehow aligned, but we face the same thing at this juncture, but with a different set of challenges.  I am so sorry that you both don’t want the same thing right now (possible ever). It sounds like a heart wrenching dilemma and I sure hope one or both of you can come to peace with a compromise of some kind. It’s crazy to read these here entries after not knowing a single thing about how your life has been in over 7 years (or more, I’m not sure anymore…I lost count). May 2019 bring you a peace with this scenario. Know that I send you love and hugs!