This evening was fucked.

Tonight, after work, I dropped M at his brother’s house as usual, and expressed interest in kissing him. We’ve done this enough times. M knows me well enough to know that I like kissing. M raped me.

He knows that I was not ready to have sex with him, or do oral. I told him, literally minutes before, that us having sex was a big deal.

I might’ve let the forced sex thing go, but afterward, he put his clothes on and I started crying, and he left me sitting there, in the car, in my underwear, crying.

Any guy who makes me cry and doesn’t stick around to clean up the mess is out. I don’t cry often – it’s not that much to ask.

He left. He’s supposed to know me better than anyone.

I really trusted him. Enough to let him dominate me, choke me and overpower me. I thought he respected my limits.

It’s a possibility that I did something in the evening that turned him off so much that he no longer wanted to retain the friendship and thought ‘Better use this bitch for all she’s good for, because she won’t be around much longer!’

Or maybe he realised how close we were getting, especially with the comment of sex being a ‘big deal’. He said ‘It’s a big deal to you, isn’t it?’ and decided to sabotage everything out of fear.

Or maybe it was a miscommunication and he thought I wanted it.

Or maybe i’m giving him too much credit, and he’s not thinking or caring about this, and he just did it and there’s nothing more to it.

This was my best friend. This is something I worked on for four years, and now I don’t think I’d even like to give it enough attention to find out if he’s cool with everything.

I think Option A is what my negative mind says, but the positive one says Option B.

This reminded me of the time that I cried in bed with my ex, as he went to sleep next to me. I promised myself I’d never let myself be that girl again.

This evening was fucked.