The learning curve before the right path

How does it feel to be broken-hearted?

Is this it?

If so, it’s not so bad. I went from hopeful to desperate and back to hopeful so many times, and now I’m almost cold. I cry every day. They’re cold tears because they’re thoughtless.

I’m alone and I cry only for myself.

They’re tears of shock, not sadness. Confusion. I’m crying because I can. Now that I’m alone I can do whatever I want I can be whoever I want. If I were alone in the woods tonight I would scream so loudly. With no one to hear me, it’s as if it never happened.

Perhaps they’re tears of relief. Emotional freedom.

The tears are like sap or blood that seals the wound. And I’ll go out of my way once its sealed to re-open myself and do this again with someone else. Perhaps I’ll say What risks? like I’ve done before.

It’s one of those days when I want a chance to make a wish. I wish to keep moving forward, just to be safe. Forward movement trumps negativity. When I look back, it’s all stories from the journey. The worst mistakes make the best stories. The worst pain sent me on the learning curve before the right path. Perhaps it’s impossible to go backwards. Perhaps it’s impossible to go faster. Concepts engrained in emotion and perspective. Perhaps it’s time for bed.

Today I looked at my diary notes, and I decided to send a diarist called ‘heal’ a note to say I like his/her diary name. When I clicked on the link, I realised it was actually the name of one of my own diary entries. I liked that.

Then I reread a note left on that entry, and I liked the way it was written. I clicked through to the diarist, and I liked his entry so much that what I could think to comment was a simple ‘Yes’. Needless to say, I didn’t comment. 

To the left of the page, I saw he’d bookmarked me. I liked that.