Kickin’ It at 3am

It’s 3 am and I’m awake. So very awake.

Only one day into this new bottle and I’m already taking more than I told myself I would.
Every day I say tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.

So here I am, awake at 3am. A little worried about doing tomorrow with so little sleep. Worried about stupid things like the ideal time to take my meds if I want to have a decent day and night tomorrow and not be anxious and/or unmotivated. Worried about hypothetical problems, none of which would be an issue if I’d just said no to that extra hit of dopamine in the afternoon.

So I’m writing this as a chat-to-self; a reminder that this behaviour holds no value. Without Vyvanse, I’m happy. With Vyvanse, I’m conscientious. I have a feeling that if I just stuck to the correct dose for a couple of weeks, I could be both of these things on the same day.

I’ve struggled to kick this habit for me. Trent is my best motivation.

I always get the urge to take more in the afternoon when I feel active. I get pangs of motivation, anxiety and hope around how productive I can be that day, now that the day is already half-done.

Action Plan

Mid-afternoon cravings for Vyvanse mean that my body is craving more dopamine. That is normal. Replace compulsive re-dosing with another activity that stimulates dopamine, e.g. going for a run!

If, after three weeks of taking my meds as prescribed, it becomes clear that a top-up in the afternoon would improve my overall wellbeing, I’ll tell that to my psychiatrist.

I’ll aim to sleep at 8:30pm and to wake up at 5am each day. I’ll take my Vyvanse dose upon waking, then meditate until 6am.

I will try to do all of these things every day until Friday 9th Feb (just 7 days), at which point I’ll review.

WHY

Why I’m making the effort to take my meds as prescribed:

• I owe it to T to do the best I can. That means being self-aware and taking responsibility for my behaviour. These two guidelines are very important in all aspects of life.
• My abuse of Dex and Vyvanse has prevented me from sleeping countless times, given me terrible social anxiety, and ultimately just takes takes takes from me like I never knew anything could. It is truly a terrible and unfortunate thing.
• Taking my meds as prescribed is much better for my long-term health
• Taking more than my prescribed dose often leads to awkward social interactions because I constantly found myself half in a conversation, while my other half was thinking ‘Am I talking too much? Or saying weird things? Or too keen? Is she responding weirdly? Am I too keen?’ (That last one is the most common). If I use my meds as prescribed, this will not longer be a problem.
• My sleep is far too important to mess with.
• Vyvanse messes with my energy. When I’ve taken the correct dose (or less!), my energy is warm, strong and relaxed.
• I don’t know if I’ve ever increased my productivity by taking more Vyvanse. Although I have more time to be productive, higher doses lead to more procrastination, unproductive hyper-focusing, and bad quality sleep.

MYTH: If I take more Vyvanse now (in the afternoon), I’ll be even more productive and will be satisfied with what I’ve done by EOD.
TRUTH: If I take a second dose of Vyvanse in the afternoon, I will become less productive, more anxious, and more susceptible to time-wasting compulsive behaviour.

MYTH: I’ll use the water titration method to measure out a half dose and leave the other half for another day.
TRUTH: I never leave the other half for another day. My body is craving dopamine so I’m going for a jog.

MYTH: I need more Vyvanse to get this done.
TRUTH: I need a jog and a good night’s sleep.