Closing Chapter

He said he’d call me after the gym, and I didn’t hear from him. It’s okay. I’ll leave it. I’ve done what I can for now, and anything more is pathetic.

I don’t like the way he talks to me when he’s frustrated. I find he gets frustrated quite easily. I suppose he gets frustrated when I’m defensive, and when I’m defensive I’m extra-sensitive to criticism. Unfortunately frustration makes him extra critical.

Perhaps that makes us incompatible. Compatibility is so important in a relationship. Fundamental. They say timing is everything. I wonder if this is a wait it out thing or if we are just not made for each other.

I tell him my fears and afterwards I’m still scared. I tell him my fears and he sees me as weak. I tell him my fears expecting acceptance, instead I’m left alone and scared, he’s just as defensive as I am. Sometimes I think we are the same. Sometimes I think he is better. I need a safe place, but my fears are met with rejection. How lucky that I’m no stranger to loneliness.

He says he writes just like how I speak. Maybe that’s why I love the way he writes.

I was an open book, but it’s closing. To believe he could leave is to give up. To have to prove myself is to give up. Perhaps I need to love myself as much as I love him. I had it the wrong way around and I knew it from the beginning.