Are These the ‘Ups and Downs’ Everyone Talks About?
It’s crazy to think that less than six months ago I was so ready to have a baby with T. It’s so strange how quickly things can change.
When I thought I was pregnant last month months ago, it should have been a great bonding time for us. Instead, something felt off. I felt like if I went through with the pregnancy, I would be destined for a life of being alone in a way. I also know that my love and encouragement and positivity could be a huge motivator for T, and that nothing screams love and positivity like “I want to have your child!”. But I’d prefer to feel confident in us and then fall pregnant, rather than the other way round.
I’ve noticed that the things that frustrate me about T most are the things that I struggle with myself. The main one being self-discipline. The other thing I get frustrated about is his avoidance, which I don’t have an issue with personally, but it can be related to self-discipline I the way it manifests in our everyday life-sometimes you have to make a conscious choice not to avoid something you really want to avoid. That’s self disipline.
I feel like I’m the only one trying to identify where we’re going wrong and brainstorming solutions. In a way I suppose that could be empowering–I know T would let me take the reins to lead us out of any problem, if only I did so calmly and confidently. But perhaps I want more of a partner in the process. more partner than loyal subject (for lack of a better word). I could step up and be more of a leader, but then we run into a problem as T cannot tolerate being told what to do or feeling like he’s being led.
He will support me always in any endeavour, but I want to discuss the game plan and implement it together. This is pretty reasonable because my role encompasses all the admin, planning, goal-related stuff. I just feel like he has goals, but no strategies. To me, that makes them empty goals. And his lack of planning is starting to frustrate me a lot.
Right now, I’m afraid that if we had a child, he would continue to be complacent – to dream about his goals but do little meaningful work to achieve them. It’s important to note that T works very hard and has an excellent work ethic. The problem is that I feel like planning and organising the big picture – considering both our wants and needs and making the big moves necessary for them to eventually become a reality – I feel like that’s all up to me. And that would actually be fine if he would cooperate with the strategies I come up with to meet our shared goals, but he doesn’t like to be led. Is that a cache-22?
Anyway, there’s a lot that I need to do for myself so I should probably just focus on that instead. I’m just really scared that, even if T does come through, it won’t last. You shouldn’t be with someone for their potential. That’s not nice for anyone.
He came through last night – he asked me what was wrong and I told him honestly (but not in this much detail!). He didn’t respond, but the fact that he’d asked in the first place and put his arm around me let me know that he had heard me and that he was silently processing what I’d said. I felt better just for having told him.
Love stories huh… It’s all so weird and there’s no right answer, or at least if there is, it’s not clear to me.
One very disturbing thing – I stumbled across a confirmation email for an Ethereum purchase that T made on the 6th Nov. It’s only for $150, but he didn’t tell me about it, and after what we’ve been through with his past ‘investment’ behaviour (ie. compulsive gambling in secret that wreaked havoc on our relationship in so many ways), this latest discovery makes me feel uneasy.
We still haven’t managed to rebuild the trust to where it was before and I think we could really benefit from couples therapy. As things stand right now, he still seems f*cking dodgy with his phone and I don’t trust him. The worst thing is, I’ve lost a lot of respect for him–something I hate to admit because respect is fundamental. Without it, what’s left? God that feels disturbing to admit, but I needed to acknowledge it.
Where to we go from here? We need to take action. In relationships, inaction is in itself a choice.
Today is another beautiful day.
We can get that trust and respect back. Love without trust and respect is probably making T feel suffocated and limited.
Sorry we got here T. We both had the best of intentions (and still do). Perhaps in a year or two this will all be a distant memory of a hard lesson well-learned. I promise we’ll be better [off] for it.
x