Am So Insecure

Hi All,

Its been a hot minute and really nothing has changed, still on a part lockdown. Feeling like the world is turning upside down. Can’t do much as my back is in muscle spasm and it hurts to move around. I am feeling even more alone and so insecure at the moment.

Why is it that whenever I talk to a guy all my self doubts come out and I am just a little girl who has no idea how to play this game that we play. I a still talking with “T1” T from now on as “T2” disappeared off the planet. But something just doesn’t feel quite right there. I keep thinking that I should just walk away but there is something just holding me back from doing it and also from telling him how I really feel. Its such a hard time we are all going through that I am enjoying the time we get to talk to each other but sometimes it just feels so forced and it should be that way. I still get butterflies talking to him and feel really sad if I don’t hear from him. Most of the time we only talk at night and through messages. They vary in times and lengths as he is 2 hrs ahead in time and is often winding down for the night when we talk but I never want the talks to end. I have tried to start conversations with other people on line but no one seems to want to talk to me.

I feel so sad tonight had some troubling news from my family, one of my uncles is in hospital with health problems he is in his 70’s and is being tested for  the Covid-19. He is diabetic so it makes it very hard and has been in and out of hospital for the last 3 days

Then found out a cousin of mine was in Jail for 5 weeks and that just blow my mind cause we have only just found this out. Thats a very long story of another day. I am trying to process it all but I am just so confused have know idea what is happening in this world and I just can’t cope with it all.

I want to shut at T can’t he see how I feel about him. Its so strange how can you have feelings for someone you have never met. I know there is something there its not love but its more than friends that I know. I will never tell him of cause because the last thing I want to do is have him run away and never speak to me again so I just sit in silence like I always do never feeling like I can say how I feel.

I thought writing would make me feel somewhat better but tonight it hasn’t oh well there’s always tomorrow

See you all soon