Rain and being more social

Rainy May

Instead of havnig an umbrella I wear something like this, only mine is deep blue, I also have a camel short one.

It has been a very long week!!! However, most of my things are here at my parents and the rest is in my cousin’s garage.

Today I got stressed as I haven’t practiced my violin for a week, and started to worry about a lot of things.

I’ve realised that I always have to say out loud what worries me, which is OK but sometimes I regret saying some things…because I feel like I have two faces. For example I love my niece very much and I’m happy to see her, however, recently I’ve started to worry how I’m going to survive living with her. The thing is that each time my niece sees me she jumps at me and wants to play, she got used to the fact that I’m a ‘fun aunt’. So, each time she is around she always wants to play, last time she was even crying because I was playing with the dog and not her…

So my niece baptised me as her favourite aunt and I need to spend time with her. For me that never was a problem, however, living there and being with my niece every evening, that’s the different story. I usually very tired when I’m back from work and I’m also a type of person who to remain sane needs to have some quite time…and I know with my niece that won’t be an option. I feel horrible saying that…and here is a problem.

I don’t want to say that I don’t want to spend time with my niece, but at the same time I feel scared to live with her. I know it won’t be a long time but I’m scared that I won’t have any time for myself, that I will have to be always together, do everything together…am I selfish? I wonder how my friends who have children survive? How they find a free time, time for themselves? and if they don’t have any time for themselves how they keep sane???

Sometimes I think that I am selfish. I got used to live alone, in a studio, talking to people when I want, seeing people when I want to see them (I mean outside the work) etc. Now I don’t have that choice. Maybe it’s good for me, to share my time with others?

Maybe this time with my niece is going to be a good and precious one.

Gosh I feel like a horrible person saying all those things :(( I’m not sure if I would ever be able to be a mother!

As to my life at the moment I’m fine. I don’t have much privacy, but somehow it works now.

I’m going to my cousin’s next week, for the period when her boyfriend will be away. 

Life is full of surprises! A month ago I would never imagine I would be in this situation! 

What calms me down is my violin, each time I practice I feel calmer, like I’m in touch with myself…so happy I have this, even if I can’t play it properly it helps, a lot!