push myself a little bit harder?

I really have a dilemma! And I don’t know what to do!

Before summer I met a woman who had asked me to write an article, I have written about that earlier in my diary. It wasn’t something I was looking for and her idea for me to write was really a surprise.

We met and she asked me to read as much as I can about Heathrow airport and then write about this, a story that will reflect this particular airport.

OK…it was an exiting thing to do but then I spent the whole 3 weeks not getting into any writing at all!

Then she emailed me asking how it’s going and when we will meet. Gosh….we set up a meeting for tomorrow and I have written only two pages, and it is really a very simple, I can say not so good piece of writing.

And here is the question that I’ve been asking myself since I met that woman….is it what I really want? The whole thing put me in the situation when I shouldn’t even consider the answer NO I DON’T WANT TO WRITE AND GET IT PUBLISHED. I would be fool saying that, wouldn’t I? Especially as I’m kind of person who’s always been writing journals, always interested in writing etc. the problem is that I’ve been doing this for fun, for myself, it is a hobby, my way of having fun….and I don’t really want anyone to read it!

And now when the opportunity for moving on came across I’m not so sure if this is what I really want to do. I found it so difficult to seat down and write or read about the Heathrow, and I don’t think it’s laziness…I simply don’t care about this..and I’m scared to admit it. And I don’t know what to do…..I’m considering to cancel tomorrow’s meeting, maybe even let her know that I’m not sure whether I can do it or not.

Anyway….apart from that I’m sort of OK….  right….;)

Yesterday went to a day meeting with my community and I have to say that I had quite a good time! I think I’m slowly starting to open up. Something new has happened….I’m not as nervous when I have to speak up as I used to be, in fact I’m quite calm….and this is so new to me that I can’t even understand what has changed in me to make me suddenly so relaxed when I have to speak in public!??? I think I’m less obsessed with ‘what people will think’ and play someone I’m not. Now I’m more ‘I say what I have to say and….that’s it’ I think I’m slowly starting to accept myself as I am and I’ve stopped trying so hard to be someone I’m not.