on friendships again :(

I have a problem…..despite my last entry where I was sure what I want to do about my friend’s wedding, I’m still not so sure what to do.

The truth is I don’t want to go, I don’t have any desire to go, I don’t have much money and to be able to go there I will have to use all my savings (not much of that too)….but worse of all I feel pushed by my friend but at the same time I know that maybe I won’t regret if I go…I’m confused!

Through out her relationship with her boyfriend my friend has told me about him many things, most of them were bad….for the long time I kept telling her she should dump him. I was a bit against their relationship…not because I hated the guy as I haven’t even met him, but because my friend was telling me all the bad things about him etc.

Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t want to go for my best friend’s wedding? Maybe it’s not me being so selfish. I still can’t figure out why I don’t have any desire to go.

Maybe because I have never met him? My friend kept her boyfriend for herself, it was a long distance relationship, but every time he was in London she was so occupied with him that never found time nor will to organize the meeting so I will meet him, of course her family met him, but I never. From the beginning I found it strange….if I was really her best best friend then she would want me to meet him….I don’t know what to think…I’m just upset about this whole situation, about my friend getting upset at me because I don’t want to go. She is so nice to me know once I told her I’m coming, but the moment I tell her I won’t come she stops talking to me, is cold etc. I’m fed up, I don’t want to be pushed or manipulated, and even though she said that she doesn’t want to manipulate me I feel like she did a little bit…or maybe pushed me to change my decision.

I don’t know what to do…maybe if I don’t go I will regret it …..I haven’t sent anything yet to the embassy….not sure what I’m waiting for. Of course my friend doesn’t know about my feelings, all she knows is that I decided to try as I promised her I will try to get a visa. I don’t want to talk to her about this now as it will make me even more nervous…listening to her disappointed voice etc.