Family issues

I’m so angry with my mother that I have to write here, maybe it will help me to get some perspective and calm down.

My mother who is in Poland now said to my aunt that she won’t help with hiring someone to look after my grandma so to help my aunt. The idea was that my aunt will be there half week or one week and the other half or other week there would be someone else so my aunt can have a rest.

My mum said my aunt doesn’t need help, she can do it all by herself…(which means washing my half paralyzed grandma, changing, sleeping there etc) My aunt is very week physically…and I know she won’t manage mentally too as I know my grandma can be very challenging mentally. I love my grandma to bits but I know how she treats her daughter(my aunt) a bit like her possession. I saw it, she tells her strange things…my aunt is already exhausted.

I have to admit that I won’t manage with my grandma for long too. She is a good person but with the age she became a bit paranoid….when I was coming over when my grandma was still healthy I had to go everywhere with someone, never by myself. That was a reason why I didn’t go to Poland too often, I was treated always like 5 years old. This time when she was in the hospital, for the first time since ages I could be me in my own country, go where I wanted and when….it was liberating but still I have this strange fear of going around Poland…and I travelled by myself to all sorts of places outside Poland, but when it comes to Poland I’m a bit scared….I guess this is how my mind works after interaction with my grandma…that is what I mean by saying that my aunt won’t take it long mentally.

There are thousand of more things about my grandma, equally strange and mentally disturbing that I don’t even want to write about…..but my aunt if she stays with my grandma full time she won’t take it long. She needs some help, obviously, who can stay with elderly person 24/7?????? My aunt needs to have a bit of her own life, to stay away for a bit at least from my grandma who can be very toxic….very toxic! but my mum thinks she doesn’t need help and she should manage by herself.

I think my mum doesn’t care about my grandma, my grandmother was looking after me and my sister when my mum suddenly left the country when I was 12 (at that time my grandma was more ‘normal’ I was travelling by myself by train to school etc. its been only past 13 years she became so paranoid), my grandma helped my mum and gave her everything she could give, And my aunt was always a best friend for me and when my parents were away she was for me like a mother.

And my own mother who left two children to my grandma and aunt so she could go abroad and live there, doesn’t want to help them now!!!!!! I’m so angry. The stuff about my mum leaving us is sort of an old stuff and I’m done with that, but why she doesn’t remember this? why she doesn’t want to help them now? she can afford it now!!!!! I know because she helps other people who has nothing to do with us….sometimes I wonder if she cares about me and my sister too? She helps us but….her behaviour is strange….I’m very upset about this situation. I can’t afford to help them as 70 or 80% of my wages go on accommodation. I hardly make it through some months…but I will try to help if I could.

That’s enough…….I’m both angry and sad…but if something happens to my aunt because she won’t manage with the pressure, I don’t think I will be able to forgive my mother…it’s not only about money but about the understanding and my mother always behaves like she doesn’t want to listen to anything my aunt says. This is so upsetting, that she didn’t listen to anything my aunt said, like what my aunt has to say means nothing.

I have also probelms with my brother but don’t have energy to write about this…..

ohh want to be more positive, maybe I judge my mum, maybe I should look at this from different perspective….maybe I should calm down, but the facts speak for themselves….anyway

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November 26, 2012

Hey, hello ! I saw your diary on the home page… And I noticed we have LOTS of common points ! – english is not my native language (it’s french ! what is yours ?) – I’m trying to learn italian – I wanted to be a nun… and sometimes I’m still wanting it… So I added you in my bookmarks list !! glad to know you 🙂

November 26, 2012

If the paranoia has been gradual I wonder if your grandmother is suffering from depression and/or some form of dementia. If she is, medications might help.