a different kind of hope

it’s a different kind of hope
that drags a sled homeward
in the middle of a blizzard
that pulls a plow through a
field of rocky muck
in the sticky sweat of summer
it’s a different kind of hope
but I think it’s better
because it’s actually earned

this kind of hope curses
loudly
this kind of hope doesn’t smile
this kind of hope grimaces
and complains
and bitches and moans
but it keeps moving forward anyway
that’s hope

optimism, shit
sweet flowery optimism collapses like nothing
dissolves like candy floss dissolves in a cloudburst
folds like a child discovering Santa was actually step-dad
shreds like a man praying in a foxhole
only to discover that God does not wish away bombs for you
and that his prayer energy would’ve been far better spent
deserting
and rolling the dice on an amnesty later
because if you’re alive
there’s always a chance things could change
that’s hope
that’s a different better kind of hope
hanging on just in case things are going to get better
not because you’re sure they’re going to
certainty’s the last refuge of madmen fools and the privileged
hanging in there in case thing will improve

hope isn’t a pretty speech
hope isn’t a God that smiles
hope isn’t a vision of a mai-tai on the beach
that’s delusion
that’s a con job
that’s the royal scam

hope is getting up anyway
regardless of how bad your knees hurt
how lonely you are
how bad your job is
how bad your joblessness is
girding your loins and saying
“I can endure this”
“every day I endure this is a new set of chances”
“every day I endure this is one more longshot”
“it’s not much but I can do this”

the better hope snarls
the better hope grunts
the better hope looks up at the stars and wonders
the better hope endures
while the sugary ways are atomized
and float away on the breeze

this better hope endures
and so do we