I’m Up, then I’m Down

I had such a fabulous day yesterday! I had a nice lunch out with my friend, Carol and we discussed strategy for surviving a terrible boss.

Then, we had our annual bonus meetings right after lunch and holy shit – I got $4,000!!!! I thought I would only get the absolute minimum amount since I am on my way out the door, which at our company is 1% of your annual salary but there they go – at the very end and surprise me with almost 7%! That is the largest bonus I have received in my entire time here at my company.

I was so happy about my meeting – and later that afternoon, I got MORE good news that Carol actually got an interview for a great job this Friday, her first interview in over a year! We jumped up and down together on the phone for a little bit and then started planning a new strategy – pulling together her reference list and figuring out what she should wear to her interview.

I learned my employee got a fabulous bonus too so we blazed out of work a little early together and headed to our monthly girl’s night out, which just happened to be last night as well. And it gets even better – I got everyone to go a local wine bar where glasses and BOTTLES were half price last night! It was wonderful – everyone said it was one of the best night outs we have had, which has been taking place monthly heading on 2 years now. I ordered one of my favorite bottles of wine, which I never get because it is too expensive but half price and it was MINE! I shared it with a former employee of mine who came, we sat outside on the patio, the sun was shining and we all laughed and joked together.

THEN – the down came. I got home to Brian and we started out great but somehow, we got on the topic of conversation of men leaving women for younger models and how Brian could understand if a woman let herself go why a man might be compelled to do that, trading up for a newer model, he called it. I know he was just joking around – HE WAS – I know him better than that but for some reason, that struck a nerve with me last night. Maybe it is because I am getting ready to turn 35, maybe it is because as a woman, I DO feel pressure to look a certain way for him – staying thin, eating healthy, always taking extra care for my makeup and hair to look nice, cute, stylish clothes, etc. Would I do that stuff for myself without Brian anyway? Maybe sometimes the worry creeps into the back of my mind – if I didn’t go to that much effort, would he still love me as much??

I know – horrible thought, huh? And then try to have sex with your husband with that thought running loose in your mind! Yeah – it didn’t happen and I know Brian was disappointed. He has approached me the past 2 nights and for some reason or another, we end up falling asleep before anything gets started. I think he knew my feelings were hurting because this morning when he got up for work, before he left, he climbed back into bed, put his arms around me and kissed me neck and cheek over and over again, telling me he loved me and to have a good day. I really appreciated that – he gets up so freaking early, I am usually OUT when he leaves but that added reassurance this morning was exactly what I needed.

But, I arrived at work and my foul mood has just continued. I was so sleepy this morning and at 2pm, I am still sitting here blinking my eyes, trying to snap out of whatever fog I am in. We had our monthly department lunch today, my last here with the group and just listening to them talk about all of their new annual plans for the year, all of the new things coming down the pike and seeing some of the new team building stuff they are doing and I felt sad to be going. I will miss everyone so much and I do genuinely love some of the work I do – I love the orderliness to it, the deadlines, the checklist part of it.

Then, in the next breath, I hear one of the other managers talk about her goal this year of taking over all of the assurance products, managing all of the products and people and moving to more of a supervisory role, not doing the work herself but keeping everything organized and then I quickly remembered why I was leaving. That was supposed to be MY new job! I have wanted it ever since my old boss left and my new boss never gave me a chance. So that depressed me even more.

I wish I could just take the next 2 weeks off and then start my new job on July 7th fresh and rested and ready to learn something new. The longer I stay here, trying desperately to wrap up a giant project I have been working on for 3 years straight and never had any support to finish, the further down I sink. It is tough to keep myself motivated, interested when I know everything I do has no affect on MY future here and plans being made all around me every day, no longer include me.

*sigh* I know, woe as me! Oh well – I have about 3 more hours to enjoy before I get to blaze for the day. Carol wants me to stop by Dress Barn with her after work to try and find an interview outfit for her. I have had plans the past 2 nights and really just wish I could hurry up and get home but I know she needs me. Hopefully it won’t take long to access the place and see that either they have nothing or maybe just a few options for her to try.