Selfish Rant

Okay, so I don’t remember if I ever wrote about this before, but my sister-in-law (husband’s sister) called me last May and flat out asked me when we planned to start trying to get pregnant.  I was so taken back by her blunt question that I didn’t know how to react.  All that I remember telling her was something like, "Well, you know we have been married two years now.  I’m sure it’s something that we’d probably be thinking about in the near future."  I should’ve told her it was none of her business, but I didn’t think that quickly at the time.  Then she proceeds to tell me that she is planning on moving in with her boyfriend, they want to try to get pregnant, and they’re thinking of getting married.  That was a lot of bomb shells to drop on me. 

Ever since that day, Trent and I have been praying that she’d change her mind.  The guy she is dating is okay, but he’s nothing too fantastic.  They fight all the time and over really stupid stuff.  He’s very conceited and selfish, but she puts up with it.  I’m not sure why, but she does.  Anyway, she already had a son from a previous relationship where they were engaged but never did end up getting married.  Things went really sour for her the first time around, so I’m not sure why she’d want to try and have another baby without having any sort of committment (she’s currently not even engaged).  Anyway, it has been our biggest prayer that they decide to hold off on the baby and moving in thing until they get married.

In the meantime, Trent and I have been trying to conceive.  Every month a lot of the pressure is getting pregnant before she does so that I can have a bit of the attention from his family to myself.  I know that sounds terribly selfish, but his sister already got the attention the first time around and I’d like to have some of that myself.  The past six months have been rough for us, and I know many of you have been through the same things.  The dreaded feeling of pain and anguish when you realize you’ve gotten your period and are not pregnant, the blood work to find out if I have a thyroid problem, an ultrasound to check my ovaries just to find out that I have multiple cysts, and now the waiting game of trying to get pregnant with the help of some medications.  We’ve been through all of this and have tried to keep it as quiet as possible.  We haven’t told our families because we want it to be a huge surprise when we can finally tell them they’re going to be grandparents again.  What it has come down to is that I am dying inside with all of these feelings and emotions but yet try to put on a front and not let any of them know. 

Well today I got the dreaded phone call…the call from my sister-in-law to tell me that she’s six weeks pregnant.  I fell silent; I didn’t know what to say to her.  I still don’t know what to say to her.  I just feel so angry right now but yet all I can do is cry.  Here she is, 29 and has been on the pill the past 9 years of her life, and her boyfriend is upper 30’s.  Trent and I are both mid-20s and I have never put anything into my system to keep from getting pregnant.  There are so many times that this just doesn’t seem fair.  I know that God has a reason and a plan for us, but there are days like today where I have a really hard time seeing His vision.  I know that some day I will understand, but right now and today, I feel like I’m drowning in my own selfishness. 

Why did I have to get thise news today?  Why?  Now I need to try and sit down and focus on a lesson I’m teaching tomorrow while my principal evaluates me, and I am really not in the mood to do more work.  Sorry that you have had to listen to my endless rant of selfishness.  I know that I’ve probably said some things to offend some people, and that’s okay.  I do ask that you not leave negative notes, please.  That’s the last thing I need today.