Pondering

It’s Tuesday again. This past weekend I missed my Season 2 Downton Abby marathon because Rosie’s eye got pretty bad and we decided to take her to the vet. Turned out to just be an infection, no damage to her eyeball, and we were sent home with some drops. Maybe/hopefully I’ll be able to get together with Scott to watch the season this weekend.

Yah!!! Three day weekend!! and next weekend too. I officially got next Friday off from work for my birthday, although I have no idea what we’ll be doing. I’m still waiting to hear if someone will cover my yoga class for me on Saturday morning.

I’m so sick of asking for a sub at EY and not getting any response. Two or three people at least respond with a no, but others are just completely silent. I told the Owner and Manager of EY that if no one would cover for me on the Wednesday night of my trip that the class would have to be cancelled because it’s a mandatory trip. No response from either of them either.

I really have sorta checked out with EY. The Owner just got back from a trip to Italy… of which she flaunted pictures all over FB. This after a month long trip which she took with her husband to go down south and no surprise ended up back in New Orleans again. I hate to sound so jealous, but seriously… she WAY under pays her teachers and constantly complains about not having enough money, so I get a little bitter when she is constantly traveling and then posting pictures of just how extravagant her vacations are! Now that she’s back, she is promoting the crap out of her own nutrition workshops, but no email or anything to the teachers. She’s got her teacher training coming up too… I don’t know… I just really feel like we don’t have a team there anymore and that sucks. I want to step away, but I’m just not sure how at this point… I will miss, so very very much, the people that take my classes.

And on top of my frustration with the lack of a team at EY, I just overall feel like I should get out of teaching. It’s so stupid… but I really feel like I am just not qualified to teach. I watched this movie on Netflix about yoga with interviews with big time teachers and devotees and I realize that I really need to take my love of yoga and dive into it for myself. It wasn’t long after I discovered yoga (a few years) that I started teaching. I feel like I never really took the time to really enjoy my own practice before I dove into serving others and that totally takes me away from my own practice. God, I feel like this entire diary has been filled year after year with my doubts about teaching… but this time, I’m not doubting my ability. I know I’m good enough. After YEARS of self-doubt, I can finally say that I am a good teacher… but now I just feel like I shouldn’t be teaching. I’ve lost my passion for it.

I read a couple articles on overcoming burnout from teaching and some of the tips are really good and I know I need to try them before I do anything drastic. And I really need to just commit myself to my own practice because even if I did quit teaching, I would still need to muster that commitment.

Anyway, I had a short "how you doing" type inpromtu meeting with my boss and I briefly mentioned that I worry that what I do on Tuesday and Friday mornings is too disruptive of my work. And he said no. He said that it hasn’t been a problem for him so far. I almost wished that he had said yes… yes it is a problem, so that I would have someone give me another excuse to quit teaching those mornings. But instead, what he did was kinda clarify things a little bit for me. If I do give up any classes, they will definitely be my EY classes. The community center classes are less disruptive of my life overall. They are in the morning and my day job doesn’t care that I’m off-line for a few hours on those days. The EY classes…. one evening and every other Saturday. I wonder if giving them up would really make me feel any different.

OK, enough about yoga… I’m sorry to make you endure another one of my whining sessions about this. I wish my vision never wavered for my life and my commitment to teaching, but it does… more than I actually write about!