Five Years

 
 
It’s been five years since Mich and I went on our first date (that wasn’t supposed to be a date). Five years ago my life was so different. It’s been five years of mostly happiness and love.
 
The beginning was crazy. Such a rollercoaster. I was married at the time but it had fallen apart and I knew that night five years ago when I went out with her that I could never fix what was wrong. Because what was wrong with the marriage had nothing really to do with his lying and stealing from me. It didn’t really even have to do with his betrayal of my trust or my inability to deal with his panic and anxiety issues and my inability to forgive him.
 
It did however take my date with Mich to show me very clearly why I had never been happy with any guy I had dated and would never be happy in the future even if I did divorce my ex and try again with another guy. But, it’s so much more than that. There were other women before Mich too. The others weren’t right either or I would have obviously never married a man. No, it wasn’t just that Mich helped take the blindfold off, it was that she was the RIGHT one.
 
On November 2nd when I had come home from teaching my yoga class, I stood in my bedroom and when my ex tried to touch me or hug me, my stomach felt sick and I actually felt like I was cheating on Mich, not the other way around. I cried the entire day. And those tears were just the beginning of the cleansing and change that I needed in my life. The beginning of being honest and raw.
 
November 1st was such a sweet and innocent day though. We were just two friends going to see a comedian. Nothing more was implied. There was no physical contact other than a hug goodnight. But my heart was already broken from my ex years before and had healed by then, but also hardened towards him. I already had built up a good friendship with Mich and for some reason being with her that night just stirred something in me.
 
So, we celebrate this day as well as October 4th. October 4th was the day we exchanged rings. A year after this so-called innocent date on November 1st.
 
I can’t really see how my life could have turned out any different honestly. Since that day we’ve noticed that a lot of our friends and social groups overlapped. A lot of our hobbies are the same and some very different. After moving to this area I started working at business that I would later find out was on her delivery route. I quit and tried two other companies away from her route, but ended up at another company next door to the first and back on her delivery route. It’s like there was a big magnet that just kept drawing us together. And once we were together, she actually lost that route (which she had had for YEARS) and the company I worked for actually moved to another location.
 
This past year has been rocky. Her school is totally stressing her out and she has started to shut down and doesn’t want to talk about things as much. She’s stressed and tired and not always fun to be around right now. I’ve started to find things to do to keep myself busy, whether right there in the house or going out. There definitely feels like some space between us that wasn’t there before. But, there is an end in sight. As awkward as things can seem sometimes, we still have moments of clinging to each other. There’s still that magnet holding us together – keeping us on the same couch even though we can’t pay attention to each other because of my work or her school.
 
We will get through this. And on the other side what I really hope for is that next November 1st we’ll be celebrating like it was our first anniversary again.