Bodywork

I went for bodywork yesterday.

I have to say that I really miss being in the company of people who are deeply spiritual. I spend time teaching yoga and a few minutes chatting with people who come to class about their lives. I chat with the owner about different things and she is so very grounded and sorta on the pessimistic side. My neighbor who is a Kundalini yoga teacher is nice to talk to, but I feel she has her guard up a bit with me… not sure why… or maybe my guard is up with her??

But, with this bodyworker, I don’t know… it was just nice to talk about deeper things and to get clarity on the reality of the world and MY world. To hear positive affirmations and to feel supported.

I got some cranio and some reiki done. But she also worked on my feet and shoulders for me – an unexpected bonus. I cried a bit and I still feel pretty emotional today.

I’ve been practicing yoga every morning, but I’ve been using YouTube to lead me through practice. I tell myself its because I just want to be a student and not have to think about what to do next. Today I decided to do a quieter, more introspective yoga practice… Just had a "continuous OM" on the iPod… holding everything for 3 long slow breaths, moving intuitively. Afterwards, I just wanted to cry again. I’m not really sure what’s going on. I don’t have words for why I want to cry. I don’t even know if its a happy cry or a sad cry… it just is.

My bodyworker said that some of the issues with my belly right now (I’ve been feeling nauseous for the last couple of days) have to do with a sense of "birthing" around my abdomen. She said she doesn’t know if it is an actual child that will be coming into my life or the birthing of a new project. She also said that the guides were telling her I’d be starting on a journey. These two things came up at different times and I think she was reading too literally into the journey part. The way I receive this info is that the new project will BE a journey for me. I have no plans or actual desire to go on a pilgrimage right now.

We talked a bit about my fears and she said the guides were telling her that I am entirely too much in my head. That I need to trust my heart. That I’m too hard on myself. When I come into my practice, my heart shows me what is right for me. And truly… when I come into my practice, I know that yoga is right for me. It has always been the expectations and feeling of obligation towards others that have brought a lot of fear into my heart.

I know that I’m holding myself back. I know that my insecurities around teaching kids are what are keeping me from opening up to opportunities. I know that my fear of not being "good enough" is what is keeping me from feeling 100% ok with this life I’ve chosen. And I know that my attachment to money is what has me going back over and over again to Careerbuilder to look for a job instead of spending that time working on yoga classes.

My practice this morning was deep and personal and I know I need more of this. I need to meditate more and ask for clarity more. There have been too many distractions around me.