Only way is up…

I might make this one a short entry. I don’t really want to spend a lot of time on a man who came into my life and flipped my world upside down. He used to tell me that I needed to take responsibility for my own actions. He was right. I should’ve never fallen for his gas-lighting, manipulative, guilt-given, mind games.

I met him through my new job at the mental health organization I began in August 2013. I shadowed all of the case managers who worked there. The first thing I noticed when we met was how muscular he was. He also had a fantastic ass. The day came when I was to shadow him. He flirted with me the entire time. I opened up to him pretty quickly regarding what I’d been through recently. I didn’t notice a ring. However, he got a call later in the day and it happened to be his wife.

I remember us becoming “fast friends.” He was pretty easy to talk to in the beginning and he came off as a generally nice guy. I remember one time we decided to grab lunch at a restaurant. We were sitting there and I had just told him about the “fuck-buddy” I had in Dylan. He totally went off on me and told me that I needed to respect myself and my body. Said that Dylan obviously didn’t care about me if he could just use me like that. I told him that I was using Dylan just as much as he was using me. Anyway, what did he care, right?

After heading back to our office after that discussion, he was making some joke about how if he suggested that we go back to the hotel room that I would go with him. I said, “uh, absolutely not. You’re married.” He then became offended and said “you really wouldn’t?!” To make him feel better, I would eventually admit that I would. Even though that’s not how I felt.

I can’t describe how the relationship evolved the way it did. He was really good at manipulating my mind. When I look back now, I just can’t believe I turned into that person. He could make me so angry. So angry. And I’m not an angry person. I also easily forgive because I don’t like sitting in a negative situation. I like to forgive and move forward. He used this to his advantage.

There were so many times I tried to leave. So many times I tried to break it off. My guilt was extraordinarily debilitating; I was hating who I was becoming. However, he would cry and tell me that he loved me. One time, he was begging on his knees. How could I put my foot down when someone is literally begging me to stay?

Well, I couldn’t until it was too late. Ritchie left his wife. We moved into a house in the small town near where we worked. He had 4 children who became my children quickly. He likes to think we didn’t work out because I wasn’t ready to be a mother. As if, asshole. I’d like to give you more details that led up to all this happening to maybe help you understand, but there’s so much. He was good at separating me from my friends and my family. He made me feel like he was the only one I could trust. When I approached the idea of any plans that I wanted to make with my fam or friends, it became a huge deal. It was always a fight until I just decided it was easier not to even make plans anymore. If they made plans, I was also so anxious about telling him about it. He said my family included him and the kids and I needed to put them first. He made me feel as if I wasn’t pretty unless I had globs of eye make-up on. Today, I only wear blush and mascara for the most part because of how he made me feel back then.

The relationship became so toxic; we fought nearly everyday about whatever was happening at the time. We were two completely opposite types of people. Eventually, I just made up my mind to leave. I knew that whatever happened, I had to stand my ground. One evening, I broke the news. We weren’t ever going to live a happy life. It took me saying over and over that I had to do this. This was happening. It was probably hours and hours of conversing. Him begging, me standing my ground. Meanwhile, I’m crying because he was crying and looking as if I was physically hurting him with my words. I’ll never forget the look he gave me after he realized that I was not going to give in this time. I swear, it was like a complete mood change. He became ice cold within seconds. His eyes changed. Facial expression like stone. He decided I didn’t deserve to hug “his” children goodbye. I think of them often, but they are ok.

I moved back in with Rachel, again.

It didn’t take long before Ritchie was back with his wife. Unfortunately, she had stayed with this man long enough that she really thought she needed him. She’s a victim to his games and her will power is almost nothing. I understand why she took him back. I’m happy to have found the strength to get out while I could. The moment I decided to leave him was when I envisioned my future with him. I was legitimately scared of what my future held. Was that really love?

So much for a short entry. Ha! I know I didn’t cover this as well as I should have. Future me will come back and re-read this entry and probably call myself an idiot. How could ever be in a situation like that? How could I even do that? It was a slow build-up and one I’m not very great at revisiting because I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed of it.

Luckily, there was a light at the end of the very dark tunnel. Samantha.