I’m losing my mind

This will probably be confusing for most people.  I’m living it and I can hardly understand it.  (Some of this is repeated information I’ve posted before.)  There is information on the kids at the end if you get too confused in my ramblings.

In July, Matt put in a package to volunteer for a B-Billet as an MCT instructor.  He specifically requested East coast (which would be an hour from where we are at) because we are settled, the cost of living is cheaper, we’d be closer to family, and on and on.  The second option was West Coast.  Which is in California.  A few weeks after he submitted his package, he got a phone call from the career planner telling him that the only openings available were in California.  Our options were:  1.  Go to California, 2.  Refuse the orders and possibly put a black mark on Matt’s career and still end up getting slated for Recruiting duty because he was already qualified for a special duty.  So, since we were told there were no other options. Matt told him we would go to California.  I spent months agonizing and worrying, ranting and venting, crying, and on and on.  We went home at Christmas because we knew it would be the last time we would be able to do so for at least three years (the length of this duty).  I was finally starting to come to terms with it, even though I was still really, really unhappy. 

All along, including immediately after we were told West coast was the only option, we have been hearing about people having no problems with getting orders to the East coast.  I think this is what pissed me off the most about the whole situation.  Why could they get orders here and we couldn’t?  We are already here!!!  Why spend $20,000+ to move us across the country when they could let us stay here and not have to pay to move anything???

In the middle of January, Matt dislocated his shoulder playing football.  So, now he is receiving physical therapy for that and is on light duty.

Towards the end of January, Matt started talking to some people.  Including the career planner.  Apparently the Monitor for the special duty assignments was going to be on our base.  He is the guy that actually takes care of making the orders and deciding who goes where (or something like that).  The career planner had told him that is who he needed to talk to in order to get the orders changed to stay on the East coast.So, Matt went to talk to him.  Except, the Monitor he needed to talk to wasn’t actually here.  He got the phone number for who he needed to call.  He was told to call himself.  He had his SSgt call, though, because that’s just how things work in the military.  The Monitor hung up on SSgt, so they went to the Sgt Major.  The Sgt Major called the Monitor.  The Monitor told him to submit a Naval Message requestion modification to the orders.  To the best of everyone’s understanding, this meant that it was 99% sure that it would happen.  GREAT NEWS!  Except a month passes and we hear nothing.  The Sgt Major that sent the message has left the command and we have a new Sgt Major.  But, he knows what is going on, so not that big of a deal.

He asked Matt one day what was oging on with his orders, and Matt told him that he hadn’t heard anything.  So, the SM sent a second Naval Message requestion modification of orders.  In the meantime, the career planner is being a dickhead and bugging Matt about getting a PFT (physical fitness test) done and other various things because he’s supposed to be leaving in April for his school.  Except, Matt is on light duty and can’t do a PFT right now.  A few days after the second naval message went out, there is a big blow up/meeting between the SM and the career planner about how Matt can’t do a PFT right now and it will just have to wait until he is off light duty.  That turns into the SM telling the career planner that Matt is NOT going in April because he can’t be expected to get off light duty in the middle of March and recover enough to do a PFT and go do a special duty school that involves lots of strenuous work.  He needs to rebuild the strength in his shoulder to be able to do all of this.

So, off to the doctor Matt goes to get the chit that the career planner wants saying that Matt can’t do anything involving a special duty school for 60 days.  Which would put him into the middle of May.  The school he is supposed to go to starts the beginning of April.  So, the orders are going to HAVE to be modified to a different class (next one is in July) or cancelled.  Oh, and still no word on getting to stay on East coast.

Wednesday, the career planner calls Matt’s shop and tells his SSgt that he might have to go in April, despite what the doctor has said and not being qualified for all these reasons with his shoulder and not being able to complete the PFT.

And, that is where we still are.  Taking care of this problem is supposedly top priority on Monday.  In the meantime, I am continuing to live my life as if it doesn’t exist after April because I don’t have a clue what is going on and where we are or aren’t going.  Derek needs to be registered for Kindergarden soon.  Can’t do that cuz we might not be here.  I need groceries, but can’t get those because if we are leaving I have to get all the odds and ends stuff that is here already used up.  Can’t plan whether to go to my Summer 2001 playgroup reunion in Chicago in June because we might be moving then.  I don’t know if I should be researching where to live in CA.  I don’t know if we are going to need to resign the lease on this house.  I can’t tell my family what is going on in my life.  I can’t spend money that we might need to move/live/survive in CA.  I don’t know if I should start getting rid of things I know we won’t have room for in CA but still want to keep if we stay here (like should I get rid of all the baby stuff I might need or keep it…we won’t have room to store it in a 2 BR apartment in CA, but we have plenty of room for it here).  Should I prepare Derek for an upcoming move now (because he doesn’t handle change well as it is)?

I’m so pissed off about everything lately I don’t know what to do.  I have way too much stress in my life.  I feel like I’m getting ulcers.  I cry about everything.  Numerous times during the day.  I already got my dosage of Paxil raised.  It hasn’t helped because it doesn’t take care of all this damn stress.  I don’t have any friends around here to talk to about this.  I’m not telling my family because it might get their hopes up that we are staying and I don’t want to have to keep changing what I tell them every other day, or numerous times in one day even.  I can’t fall asleep at night because of all these thoughts and worries going through my head, but then I want to sleep all day.  I want to get ahold of the career planner and monitor and pund their heads into the pavement over and over and over and over.  I want some answers.  I want people to get this taken care of once and for all.  At this point, I don’t care if we end up in CA…I just want some

damn answers instead of having to live my life in limbo and not being able to plan anything beyond April, which will be here very soon.

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And, in other news, Logan is 15 months old today.  He is 31 3/4 inches tall.  He is 25 lbs 9.7 oz.  And, he has a head circumference of 49 cm.  Derek’s head circumference at the age of 3 1/2 was 50 cm.  Logan has a huge head.  He kinda looks like a bobble head doll sometimes.  Except his belly looks like he swallowed a basketball.  He eats constantly.  He does great at walking, but hasn’t quite figured out running yet.  He still isn’t talking, which is a slight concern with Derek’s history of speech delays.  If he’s not starting to talk at his 18 month appt, we’ll look into speech therapy for him.  I was told he’s drinking too much milk, so we have to cut back.  I guess drinking too much can cause anemia?  Anyhow, overall very healthy and doing great.  Poor little man got two shots today, but other than crying when they poked him, he’s done great.

Derek is the same as always.  Way too hyper.  Still throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat.  He’s learned to tell us he doesn’t love us when we tell him no or make him mad.  He loves school.  He has an imaginary friend named Tummy.  Tummy got him in trouble at school one day, though.  So, now Tummy has to stay home with me while Derek goes to school  Tummy has also gained a brother and a sister over the past few weeks.  He has finally started to like books and being read to.  Sometimes if I walk by his room at night, I’ll hear him "reading" books while he is in bed to his stuffed animals.

Ok, I think that is all I have to say tonight.  Until next time…