When it rains, it pours- literally.

When it rains, it pours…

And it rained yesterday…hard.

And like always, I got soaked.

It started early, like 1am, with one of those discussion/arguements during which I said more of what I felt than I probably should have. This followed with one of those long, dark silences that automatically brings tears to your eyes because, subconsciously, you know what’s coming. You’re afraid to speak. And when you do, it hits without feeling. Takes a few moments to set in, you know.

Part of me said I was ready. It’s what I wanted. But the part of me that the hammer hit, has taken control since yesterday evening. My tear ducts are working overtime, and the only way it seems to stop it is to get intoxicated. I can’t stop myself from tearing up, and his stoic exterior seems to mock my every movement.

I know how he feels about it. He isn’t uncaring, unfeeling, or anything of the kind. But, he takes things differently. Virgos! And here I sit with a constant flow of tears because I failed to succeed at something else.

He loves me, you know. I know.

Nothing much will change except for the physical aspect and the “I love you”s. What’s so hard about that? I’ve done it several times before. But, it is hard, you know. When you sit next to him and your impulse is to grab his hand.

He said, “You know, Lindsay, if we are walking along and I take your hand, you’ll have to forgive me.” I would. But, if I did the same, would he forgive me?

So, I called my mom. “Poor Lindsay…” her mocking tone sounds in my ear. Yeah, like she really cares that my heart has another deep cut in it. I want to go home. But, like I said before, when it rains, it pours, and there are puddles at home as well. Trouble at home. Trouble here. Therapist on maternity leave. All my friends are his friends, too. I just want to let out all this shit that has welled up inside me, cause I feel like I’m going to burst. And all I want is someone to hold me while I do it and tell me that they love me and it’s fine. All I want is someone to hold me back from myself.

The one I used to turn to in times like this betrayed me, and now he won’t leave.

There’s no one else.