catching up, moving forward

I haven’t written in so long, it is hard to know what to say. But, laying in my room, sore, restless, and yearing for something or someone out of my grasp. I felt an incredible urge to revisit this site. To pick up this outlet for my feelings- write down whatever comes into my head.

I realized that the last time I wrote, Casey and I had broken up. Well, we are together now, though in returning to the relationship, I fear I have forever damaged my connection to Michael. I hurt him. I didn’t mean to. But that’s another matter.

I did a lot of thinking today. So much has changed. Things should be good. Things are good. I don’t know.

My grandmother died last Sunday. Casey and I postponed our Valentines Day plans. I forgot my sister’s birthday present, missed Spork Day for the first time since it started, and forgot to call my mother on her birthday. I have felt quite lonely since, like no one understands me. And I don’t think that it is the passing of my grandmother as much as it is the unshakable feeling that something is very wrong in the world right now- tragedy at every turn. It has hit me recently, like no time since the summer of 1996.

I’m behind in my homework. I have a major test tomorrow, which needs to be the focus of my attention. It is an open book, open notes test, though, so I’ll probably just look over things and hope that it isn’t too hard. I think I’ll do fine. But I do have a lot to catch up on.

I’ve been having dreams about Corey. Last night was really bad. I woke up in tears, and I haven’t wanted to see anyone all day. I made excuses. I was hiding from everyone. I was hiding from myself. There were things I needed to accomplish today. They’ll wait until tomorrow or Friday, or the weekend. Whatever, as long as I get them done. What I have accomplished are a few small assignments, and some crocheted doilies, imprinted with flowers from arrangements from grandma’s funeral. I think they’re pretty.

The only person I really want to talk to right now is Michael. I’m not sure why. Probably because I fear he is angry at me. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to me. Maybe he feels he can’t talk to me.

Understand that it is nothing against Casey at all, nor any of my friends.

Tomorrow, Casey and I are celebrating Valentines Day late. It will be nice, though I need to get myself together for it. I wonder what time he is going to want to meet up.

I need to call him. I think I will in a few minutes. Then I might look over my things for Research Methods and Constitutional Law. Maybe I’ll stay up really late and make Casey a card, though I don’t know what it will say. I don’t have money for a proper Valentines Day gift. He’ll have to live with just having me, I guess.

Well, I better get to it. My assignments won’t finish themselves. Goodnight.

Current Mood: Restless, Lonely

Current Music: none

P.S. I went roller skating last night for the first time in a long time. It was so much fun, except for the VERY large bruise on my left ass cheek, thanks in part to my bad knee and poor balance. But it was worth it.