Let me indulge myself…

…and do a bit of griping.  I normally try to keep things positive, and I’m not really all that upset at the moment, but I’d like to talk about how this first trimester differs from that of my first pregnancy.

I think/hope (kind of) that I might have twins.  Twins run in my mother’s side of the family, and I’m over thirty, which supposedly makes twins more likely.

As far as physical stuff, WOW.  This trimester is kind of sucking, compared to my last one.  Last time I felt better than I ever had, was full of energy, had very little nausea, was rarely even tired, and felt generally GOOD.

This time, I’m completely exhausted.  I can’t really blame that on my (large, 23-pound) ten-month-old, because she goes to daycare every day and when she’s here, Ivan generally does most of the lifting and carrying.  The exhaustion is crippling, to the point that I’ve spent the last three days in bed, practically.  I have no desire to even walk on the treadmill — which might very well account for the tiredness, as my body is used to the endorphins I get from exercise.  (I know that a lot of the fatigue may also come from my serious efforts to stop taking medications that have withdrawal symptoms associated with them.)  So, there are a lot of physical things going on at once, all combining to make me REALLY tired.

My lower back hurts.  It seems too early for such a thing, but there it is.

Thankfully, I have had very little nausea.  But, I’d actually rather be nauseated than tired to the point that I don’t even want to shower.  Nausea I can deal with — just puke and go on about your business.

My shoulder, however, is still doing much better, and for that I am grateful.

Mood swings are beginning.  I am frequently frustrated with small things, but on the other hand, the frustration fizzles out fairly quickly.  I haven’t been so extremely "woe is me" upset like I was in the first pregnancy, and I haven’t felt anxious because I know now what to expect.

I hope things take a turn for the better soon.  I am not a physically strong person anymore, thanks to all of these medications, probably, so I don’t really do well with discomfort.  I feel whiny and weak.  I can’t shake the feeling that other people deal much better with their issues, possibly without whining and laying in bed all day.  

I want SO badly to BE that strong person, but somehow I’m afraid to because I know it will mean colossal effort.  Right now, effort just makes me tired.  I want to be more like my daughter, actually — always so happy, enjoying everything, dealing with small discomforts with grace and style.  Today Ivan remarked that Evie seems to have my "happy personality", and it was amazing how much better that made me feel.  Ivan, as a rule, has never praised me overmuch, and for him to attribute a happy personality to me, when most of the time I feel the total opposite, had a wonderful effect on me.  It’s great that he sees me that way and doesn’t think of me as a weak, selfish whiner (the way I think of myself).

The plan is to just force myself to do some exercise, starting now.  I think it would make me feel much better.

Sorry for all the complaining, but writing it all down definitely helped.  Seeing things in black and white sometimes minimizes them and makes them more manageable, reducing them to their proper perspective.  Time will pass, I will get wrapped up in my teaching (starting tomorrow), and before I know it, it’ll be time for the fun of giving birth.