Update (no edits, I don’t care)

I have too many feels, I’ve decided. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’ve felt happy, sad, anxious, annoyed, and defeated all at the same time, several times, for the last month and I think I’m going insane because of it.

I’m frustrated about my car and the fact that I have five hundred dollars in my account that I COULD be using for flight school, but which has to go to fixing my car now. Angry at myself because I have too many bills and most of my extra money goes to paying them, which means I can’t be as independent as I want to be. Nervous because I feel like my relationship with Andy is still up in the air because we can’t figure out how to get over our conversation block, but at the same time hoping that we are very slowly coming to a mutual understanding and that the understanding is on a good note. That we DON’T have to try forcing ourselves to have conversations, as long as we communicate is SOME way. I have no problem texting him because I have always felt I express myself better with the written word. It makes my thoughts more organized and I don’t sound so much like an idiot.

Granted, I still sound like an idtion, but not as much of one.

I’m angry also because my job is monotonous and all I want to do when at work is write and do non-work related things (like I’m doing right now). I am getting a lot of writing done because of this, but I feel guilty because I don’t take my job as seriously as I guess I should. Mostly because it’s not what I want to be doing.

So, at the end of the day I go home so emotionally worn out that I don’t want to do anything at all, which frustrates me even further because I should be doing something. Drawing, or writing, or reading, or… something, but I don’t because I’m exhausted from trying to keep everything contained.

I’m also trying to justify to myself starting another hobby. I’ve always wanted to take up archery and learn how to shoot a classic, straight draw bow, but it’s one of those things where it’s costs quite a bit to actually start. A good bow can cost between $100.00 and $200.00 dollars just for a basic. I really want to do this, but it’s not looking like an option right now. I’m really troubled about the fact that I haven’t been able to take a flight lesson in two months and that I won’t be able to until I get my car fixed.

In other news though, the weather looks like it’s trying to even out a little. It rained a bit a couple of nights back, but the days are starting to warm up, on the whole.

Something is wrong with my right knee. I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t hurt, but it constantly feels like the kneecap wants to pop out of place, or like the joint needs to be popped. Sometimes it will hurt a little if I leave it in one position too long. It’s not a bad pain, just a sort of pulling ache. It doesn’t bother me except when I’m trying to go to sleep because I feel like I need to constantly be moving. But I don’t want to go to the doctor for it because my doctor is a super hippie and always rags on me about natural diets and cancer and chemicals and how people shouldn’t take anything for pain or problems and women die and get cancer from birth control. I am sure there are decent legitimacies to his arguments, he’s a doctor, that’s what he does, but I hate feeling like a terrible human being because I don’t follow his wat of thinking. I don’t think a doctor should do that. I think they should tell you their opinion, because they’re doctors, but they shouldn’t make you feel like crap about it.

I take birth control anyway.

I have realized that the designs that my mind makes behind my eyelids when my eyes are closed are bloody fantastic and I’m going to draw pictures of the things I see. I’m going to call it ‘The Art of Closing Your Eyes’ or something equally stupid sounding haha!

This will give me a lot of good material to display/sell for the Shoebox Collective, which, if you haven’t heard, is a group of artists here in San Diego that was formed as a way to get the word out for the small guy musician, band, or artist other there. The big thing happening right now is Shoebox Radio (radio.shoeboxcollective.com) which plays music for unsigned or small label bands that could always use help getting their name out there. Every Friday at 7pm pacific time they have a live broadcast that goes basically until everyone is too drunk or tired to carry on. Be warned if you listen, it’s vulgar, but fun. And it’s a great way for small artists to meet other people who are like-minded and equally positive.

Also, I look for patterns and images in floor tiles or on textured walls whenever I’m in a bathroom or a room with similarly designated surfaces. I should start taking pictures of things I see and filling in the spaces with color so other people can see them too.

Fuck yeah, I’m awesome.

I feel better now.

And it’s good, I get Wednesday off this week. Having Wednesdays off is always awesome. They are the worst day of the week to work because there’s NOTHING good about it. Monday, you’re refreshed after the weekend, Tuesdays nobody really cares about because they’re sort of neutral feeling, Wednesdays SUCK because the week is TOO LONG and there are still TWO DAYS left! Thursday, I don’t mind Thursdays I guess because you’re over the hump and winding down and it feels like the end of the week. Fridays I have a love/hate relationship with. On one hand, I love them because it’s the last day of the week and I don’t have to work on Saturday (most of the time). Also, every other Friday is paydayy. On the other hand I hate them because I feel like my weekend should have started already and aside from Wednesday it’s the longest day ever!

Andy and I finished the series Band of Brothers recently, which is a mini series that follows the exploits of E-Company or Easy Company through from D-Day to the end of World War II. It was such a good series. I’m glad Andy suggested we watch it because I’d never seen the whole thing and I really, really liked it. It was based off a book enough Easy Company that I now intend to buy and read.

I think Andy, in terms of the things he likes to watch and the sorts of things that fascinate him are really awesome. His job is really stressful, but he loves working with lights (Look what he’s doing during his vacation: working at a play house in Chula Vista, programming a play!), He likes history, and science, and crappy monster movies like Alien and Leviathan. It’s too bad he can’t sit still long enough to actually get through a decent book, but he does read from time to time which is EPIC and I can’t wait to catch him reading so I can take a picture!

It’s hard though because I can only see him at my house. We haven’t got to the point yet where I think either of us are comfortable with me being introduced to his parents yet. The thought terrifies me. I’m having so much trouble easing into a new relationship as it is that I don’t think I would handle meeting his parents very well just yet.

Anyway. In May my great grandmother is having her 98th birthday in northern California. My grandpa wants us to go up there and visit so that we can just be there, you know, because how may people have great grandmothers who are still alive and who are turning 98? Besides, I heard that she’s been sick recently. It always bothers me that I might pass up a chance to go back and then I’ll never see her again. That would be the worst.

I am hesitant to take the time off, but I know that I need to. It’s been too long since I’ve been back and I should go just so they all know I’m still really alive. But if I work it right, I’ll only need PTO for one day, since we are going up just for Friday through Monday.

Yeah. I think it will work out.

It will be nice to see the greenery again!