I will never have children

I feel like this becomes a bigger topic the older I get. More and more people say to me, "when are you going to find a guy and have some kids?" Mostly family of course, and sometimes a friend who thinks my having kids would be hilariously awesome, being sort of geeky, but it’s being more frequently asked the closer I get to thirty.

And I do have it admit it, I’m nearing thirty. Less than three years from now I will be thirty years old. That thought used to TERRIFY me. It still does sometimes, but mostly because I have accomplished NOTHING that I had hoped to accomplish by this time. A really unsettling thought.

But as far as kids are concerned, I joke about it a lot. Why I don’t want kids, I mean. I say things like "I couldn’t handle it" or "I’d be a bad parent" or "I will never have the patience for kids." Things like that.

But the truth is, I’ve just never had that urge. I have never wanted kids. The thought always seemed so at odds with everything that I wanted to do, with my personality and my sense of self. I have never, ever thought about myself as the type who could be a mother. I have never visualized myself with kids. Even saying, "I don’t think of myself as a mother," were "I" and "mother" are in the same sentence is weird to me.

I don’t dislike children. I say that I do, but I say it jokingly. I don’t have a particular dislike for children. I have a dislike of the idea of ME having children. I don’t like what I know it would do to my lifestyle, I don’t like what I know it would do to my body or my mental state, I don’t like the idea of shifting my entire life’s perspective to accommodate the care of the next countless billionth member of the human race. I am not wired to believe it is my ‘duty as a woman.’ and the thought it being responsible for another human life, in so complete a capacity, should not scare just me. It should scare other people too.

The thought of being pregnant terrifies me. Because of this, I really do believe that there are some women who are meant to have kids, and should be able to have kids, and some women who shouldn’t. Some women are just more capable and mentally wired for being mothers. Others, like myself, aren’t. If I could remove the ladybits that make children possible in my body, without the horror of having to deal with hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life, I would do it without hesitation. I’ve looked into it several times. I’ve dismissed it as an option because there are too many awful side effects, but I have seriously thought about it.

I don’t think I’m incapable of being a mother. I’m not irresponsible, I don’t do drugs or any any awful addictions, I pay my bills on time, I’m actively working toward my dreams, I save money and think about retirement, and take responsibility for my actions. I could do it. But I don’t want to. I can’t reconcile myself to sharing my life with a little version of myself.

That was one of the reasons why I was so happy when Andy and I finally got together. He feels exactly the same way, and if we do end up in a long term relationship and things go well for us, this will be a non-issue. There will be no fights over having kids or not having kids, there will be no frustrations over how to provide for another little human. Our fights will be over whether or not he can get me to go skydiving or how I think he needs to take a flight lesson with me.

I really respect mother’s though. I really do. I am sure I can’t know how difficult it is, but it looks damn difficult. I commend you. You dedicate a minimum of 18 years of your life to raise and nurture a tiny human with no guarantee, only a hope, that the tiny human will grow up to be a good regular sized human. I make no arguments against that what you do is monumental in its nature.