secrets of an anorexic/it got cold *ED* *De**h*

yeah so as put it got cold here. oh ‘here’ being Denver, CO. Before today we only got snow once and we usually get it a lot. This is the driest winter we’ve ever had. it’ll prolly snow a lot in Marc.h well. it usually does

yeah so the cold. I don’t like cold. usually. unless I’m drained and then I like it bc it’s still. um. just the other week I was saying how I wan it to snow just so it would feel like the holidays. I’m really adamant in telling people stay warm bc well. I’ve been there. and I wasn’t. Last May only it was spring. yeah I almost lost my battle w/ anorexia then. and omygod it was horrible. and back in Sept. but it wasn’t as bad. it’s been almost 4 months the 19th it’ll be. back in May I wasn’t warm. evan was there that day.

I barely remember that and in a way thank god.

and evan saved me. my family didn’t they weren’t there. – they think they saved me from him cause, in their minds he’s dangerous and made perceived threats which he didn’t when I talked to him about it. [I don’t want to detail it]. and he once told me he has nothing to hide from me, so. – No but my family didn’t save me. They don’t know about what happened in May as far as I know. That’s one of the few secrets I still have. not that I use the word ‘secrets’ usually. but. ok point’s seen. [actually I think he’s dangerous too but not for the same reason they do. again don’t want to detail it yet I will when i’m ready].

and you never forget something like that.

People always go ‘it’s good to see you’ ‘well it’s good to be seen’. yeah. it is. esp. after something like that. nothing makes you come to terms w/ your own mortality more than realising. you don’t have it anymore.

I am so fuking lucky to be here.

yeah so bc it’s been cold here like below freezing I’ve not gone out. I am not going to freeze this winter. I will not get that hypothermic. no. no way in hell. today actually I stayed under my covers and slept bc, honestly, I’d rather be asleep then.um…….well. I know people can connect the dots there. it was warm under my covers. [and actually the way blankets work is they trap your body heat. which is a good way to know you have enough. I didn’t know that until my ex told me].

I’ve been thinking a lot about this past spring/that day and probably bc, as said. it’s been cold.