Sleepless

I suppose that I better update. I think that I am going crazy ~ this is the second night this week that I have not slept. It is 9 AM and I have been up since 8 AM Tuesday morning ~ no nap, nothing, and wide awake.

I was up until way late in the morning. I had finally gotten to sleep when my damn phone rang. It was the gal from the office, then my supervisor. Cocky was supposed to be there to do the audit but he had “forgotten” about it. The last thing that I asked him when I left Tuesday night was “do you have the time to do the audit?” He assured me that he did. I should follow my gut feeling!

Does stress cause this? I have been feeling like a basket case as of late. This morning when Dick got up he called me a wacko in a joking way and he even laughed a little bit.

He did not know the half of it! While I was up I was writing him a note. We had texted back and forth but after I re-read them they could have been taken as an attempt to reconcile. That was certainly not my intent so I wrote him a letter telling him just that.

I accept your apology graciously because they are few and far between. I can think of two times in all the years that you have apologized to me. You never had a reason or an explanation for anything that you did. Your answer was always “I don’t know.”

My theory: If you don’t know then how am I supposed to know what to do differently.

I am not saying that everything that has happened is your fault. It’s not your fault that you couldn’t love me. It’s not your fault that you did not have the desire to hold me when I needed to be held. I know that I had an extreme need for affection from you.

Now I think that I should not have tried so hard. I should have totally let you go when you wanted to. I feel like I forced you into our relationship. I should have taken the great big hint that you threw at me way back when but I didn’t.

I know that I am boring in the bedroom. I just don’t have it in me to do the things that some girls do. Why wouldn’t you stray? I gave you no reason not to ~ boring boring boring!

I wanted to be able to spend time with you. You thought that I was trying to control you. I guess that I was trying to control you ~ I wanted you with me.

When I asked you to marry me I was serious. I wanted to be married to you. I know that it makes no difference now but I wonder if you really meant it when you said yes or should I say agreed to it.

If I had been a better person you would have wanted to be around me. If I knew how to have some fun you would have wanted to be around me.

You know as well as I know that I can not afford to move out. As much as this is supposed to be home it does not feel like home to me anymore. I feel like I am here being a burden on you because I have no choice. I could get assistance but you know that is not the path that I take. I have too much pride for that.

When you find the love of your life and feel that you want to spend your life with her all you have to do is say so and I will be gone. If you want to move her in ~ let me know!

I feel that I gave it all I had to make it work.

We can only use the past as a lesson learned. If you could take some time to clue me in ~ what I did wrong ~ that would be great. I need some learning tools too.

Well Good Morning!

This is what I gave him along with another note that I typed up. I really think that I have lost my mind! It is just like me to try to save the world.

I can not reconcile with him ~ he is contaminated! I could never ever trust him again. I have come a long way even though there are days that the hurt feels brand new. I think that it is the “physical evidence” is what really slapped me in the face. I feel like a hypocrite for being upset about that. I do not show it when he does things that upset me unless it has to do with the kids. Then I get a bit cranky!!!

GFAFB