No More Begging

If you’d like to read about he Dru Sjodin case this is the link to the articles in the local newspaper

Today was quite uneventful. It seems like I start many of my entries with that statement. I lead such an exciting life! Hey, don’t laugh so hard!

I stayed up way too late last night/this morning investigating the cell phone bill. Actually it did not start out that way but it ended up being an investigation. I knew that the bill was going to be higher than it usually is because I get an E-mail. So I went to the site thinking that I had been roaming or something when I talked to Roller Beth for a long time on my trip to and from my parents place. All those calls were at no charge because they were weekend calls. So still trying to figure out why it was higher I started looking at all of the calls because we don’t get them on the statement that comes in the mail.

Starting in March there was a number that was frequently called. Those calls were longer than any other calls made and I also notice a pattern of incoming calls that seemed to be longer also. But I could not say for sure that the incoming calls came from that number because the number is not listed. It is just a pattern.

I did call the number *I am so bad!* from Nadine’s friend’s cell phone. (I had permission!) And I prompted her to say that she dialed a wrong number if she got a call from that number. I also asked her to call me if that call came. The call came, she called me and she said “he was wondering who called him.”

So suspicions eased. Not that it really matters anymore but the calls started in March as far as I could tell. Had they started recently I would not have wasted any time trying to figure out whom it is that Dick is calling. It is none of my business.

Between me calling and L getting a call back I had already talked to Dick about it. He told me it is a guy that he works with. And he called me honey! I ignored it! I really wanted to say to him “don’t call me honey!” I am bigger than that ~ old habits die hard and I have caught myself almost calling him honey too. We have called each other honey since the beginning of time and very rarely calling each other by name.

We took Alexa out for her birthday supper. She chose the Royal Fork and it was not as nearly as light and happy as it usually is when we go there. Nadine was not there because she is spending the night with L. It was so weird because normally Dick and I sit across the table from each other or if we are at a round table we usually have a child between us. And this has also been a norm since the beginning of time. Tonight we sat side by side. I was not comfortable with that at all! I moved my chair away from him before I sat down. It was not a huge noticeable move but a move indeed. I am not sure if he did that on purpose or if it just so happened that Tyler and Alexa chose the chairs on the other side of the table. It just felt too weird!

When we left the Royal Fork I had Dick take the kids with him. I wanted to get decorations for Alexa’s party but I want it to be a surprise. I will decorate when I get home from work tomorrow night or I will get up at the break of day to do it so that it is done when she wakes up. Then I stopped at the site to give my supervisor some information that he needed if he is going to hire the gal that I referenced for him. I had time to play the last game of bingo at SG if I hurried! I made it in time ~ was on for the money but did not even get consolation. I stayed out of the pull-tabs and boogied right after the bingo game. I had grocery shopping to do.

It is a bad thing when we run out of cereal. I usually have the bottom cupboard full of cereal. We were down the crumbs in the three bags that are down there. Of course we needed milk ~ we always need milk! And I got some fun food for Alexa’s birthday party.

(Wow I am tired and it is early.)

I was home by 11 o’clock. Even though Dick was falling asleep at the supper table he was still awake when I got home. He had a candle lit in the bathroom and he was lying in bed watching television. I am sure that he expected me to go in there. Not hardly Charlie! I am standing strong on the decision that I made whether he agrees with it or not. I am not backing down! I have voice my needs so many times through the years and he just seems to deem them unnecessary. Yet now he seems to want to take action.

Two prime examples that I can keep my word:

Yesterday when I was getting ready to leave for work he was standing right beside me at the counter. It seemed like he was waiting for me to hug him good-bye like I normally would have done (and I would have given him a kiss too.) But I gathered up my stuff and said “see ya later” and out the door I went.

Tonight after supper when we were in the parking lot normally I would have given him a peck before we each got in our own car. Not tonight! I said nothing and got in my car.

I may some day live to regret being like this but right now I have to be. I am normally a very loving, affectionate person. I have turned into an ice cube a block of ice and it really bothers me! I am not really sure how I would react if he did approach me! I never thought of that!

I just keep telling myself “be strong, you will live through this, you will get used to not “begging” for affection.”

That is exactly what I was doing ~ begging for affection. I am not begging for affection any longer, I would rather go without that! I should not have to beg for affection and if it does not come naturally then there is nothing that I can do about it.

Okay ~ I am done but I got that all off my chest. The more I “talk” about it the better I feel! I have to great supporters and I do know how to get a hold of them if I want to.