is having hope hopeless?

today was the day i got back to my boring life. back from Tocoma…back from Northern VA. back home to go to work day in and day out. yippppe. yeah right. i wish life was a vacation all the time. cause on vacation u take risks, ur urself all day long. ur happy. stress-free. u do what u want alllll day long. ur amongst friends. on vacation ur rarely alone.

ive been thinking all day long. more than usual. ive tried to ignore my brain. but can u really do that? i tried blasting the radio….but the songs just reminded me of the situation im trying to 4get. i tried takin Advil, but that only rid my headache for more thoughts to enter. i tried to take a nap…but my problems found their way to my dreams. and so finally i just dealt with it.

"I Can’t
Believe The Way That You Can Feel My Heart
And I Can’t
Believe The Way You Make Me Fall So Hard
Stop Playing
How Could You Let It Go This Far?
If You Had Doubts That I Wasn’t The One"

i feel like im obssessing over this ONE issue. but im telling u im not. ive never been boy crazy or needed a man for anything. i never really wanted boyfriends. only had one real one my whole life (if that even counts). i dont want a boyfriend, or a husband. what i want is to love HIM and have the feelings both be said and showed back. and if us being in love means HIM being my boyfriend and then later on my husband. yay for me. im not a lonely woman out looking for just anybody to give me attention and so forth. cause come on if i wanted a boyfriend i could have one yesterday. if i wanted sex id be doing it right now. those arent the things i want. i want HIM, and only HIM. i cant be myself. truly myself with any other man cause who i am. who ive grown into is a person meant for HIM to see. do i sound silly? or does it just make sense in my head?

"See I Know We Not Official (No)
But Us Being Official Ain’t Never Been An Issue (No)
It Came Down To Us
Boy Remember We Were Different
We Said That We’d Talk
If We Ever Had Problems About Anything
I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait)
Let Me Take That Back
It Was You, So I Was With It (See)"

haha i laugh cause what more can i do. i look at myself and i try to see the positives. i know they are there. i know there are a billion great things about me. yet still i cant help but to wonder why? what the hell is wrong with me. no im serious. cause in life all u have is urself. ur personality. ur word. and im happy with the kind of person i am. and ordinarily i wouldnt give a flyin fuck what ppl thought of me. but as of late im starting to wonder. what do ppl think. is there something wrong with me? is there some quality that prevents HIM from completely giving me HIS heart (as HE puts it)? cause HE hasnt let me know. and frankly im getting tired of fighting. i dont know if i will win. slowly but surely im getting there, but ive been fighting for HIS heat for the longest time. thats all i want. in life that is all i want. i have a good life. a GREAT life. nothing to complain about. but HIS heart is the cherry on my sundae. cause a sundae and shit without the cherry.

why do i do this to myself. i think im going to lose. its weird cause things between us really are fine. like i feel the love from HIM, but i still think im going to lose. (to her). which scares me cause no matter what was going on in the past i never thought i wasnt gonna eventually be Mrs. __________. i always had hope. but doesnt it come a point where having hope is hopeless? it scares me to think that a part of me is facing defeat. i dont wanna lose. dont even wanna have the thoughts, but they are there. and i dont know what to do. i know what i should do….fight to the death cause nothing worth having is easy, and if i cant fight for love what can i fight for. but still i dont know what to do. my gut never lies to me. EVER! and my gut tells me to not go down without a fight. that im worth all of it. that i fucking deserve it. and so until its really the end. i wont. i cant. friends may call me crazy. may tell me to back off. to get on with my life. but HE is apart of my life. and u know what i am crazy. and im perfectly fine with that.