home

home.

im finally in the greatest city of the world…

since i was 11 or so ive been talking about moving to NY. and now im finally here. after spending a year at home after college i finally made it up here with my P.I.C. my ride or die chick. down for whatev, whenever however. it feels good in my new room hearing the loud sounds of the city from sun up to sun down. it feels good to have g’ma in the next room so i can laugh and talk to her whenever i want to. so i can have her to understand all the shit that we seem to go thru. constantly. like a dark cloud. a curse. a million black cats always in our path. but it will be okay. cause ima figure out my  life. i dont have a choice. this is what i set out to do. i have 2 years to figure out how i wanna spend the rest of my life. i know im still young but i needed to get away and do this for myself. and if im still drawn to the things i was drawn to while i was at home then i know its meant to be.

but i figure i still wanna be a dancer. at first i lost sight of my dream but its very much clear to me know that i still wanna dance. i need to get back into shape. i need to take a class, and go to some open auditions…or sumthing. i need to try even if i fail. even if im not good enough, cause lets be frank there are a thousand better dancers than me living on my block alone. but they arent me. they dont have my stage presence. i have sumthing going for me that others dont. i dont exactly know what it it…but its there. i feel it. haha

been talking to Herman on a very conistant basis. everynight to be exact. and every other day he finds a way to piss me off. so why do i still talk to him? cause deep down inside i know he has the capability to be a good person. and i think im in his life to help him find that person. he doesnt treat me like shit but i dont like the way he treats others. he says hes most close to me in the sense that he can confide in me and talk to me about anything…haha isnt that what confides mean? anywho. there is this unspoken attraction between us even tho its been years since we have seen each other. but i find that works good for me. i tend to fall in love with a persons personality more so than anything. so not having him infront of my face (cause he is attractive) is a lot better for me, cause i know my feelings are true and not clouded by pure physical lust.

as for HIM -yeah still in the picture…surprise…surprise. i wish i could stab myself and bleed him out of my system. a lil extreme i know but thats how i feel. my loyalty to HIM or my loyalty in general is my curse. it haunts me and i cant even believe im one of those girls. im one of those stupid girls. who cant let go. who hold onto a dream. this is not in my character. im stronger than this but apparently im in so deep that even i cant climb myself out of it. partly because i dont want to, and the other part is because im too afraid to know what ISNT out there for me. love and being in it is important to me. and it grows stronger in me each and everyday. i dont wanna be lonely i dont wanna be alone, but im the only one preventing myself from being happy, and thats what really hurts. hurts to know i would give my last breath to HIM cause thats how much i care. hurts that he knows how i feel so im constantly exposed even when i wanna run and hide. hurts to know there is no turning back. it just simply hurts and i cant let go. and i know i know this is all i write about, but if i pulled my heart out and showed it to u u’d gasp and understand. cause his name is written all over it in permanent ink, and that shit is for life. i watched love & basketball today which has me in this mood in the first place. i loove that movie. it speaks to me in volumes.

i guess im just tired of always being alone. trapped inside my skin with all this love to give and nowhere to give it. its exhausting at times. i see couples on the street or on tv and i wonder what makes her so special that someone wants to love her and always be there for her. its like i need two totas and three tits just to stay in the game. but all i have to give is me. a 4 ft 11 inces 97lbs of me. I am my greatest quality. it sounds cocky, but damnit i deserve to be. im a good person and i would make someone very happy cause thats my nature, and it sucks that ppl cant feel that. and so i go to sleep alone and i wake up alone, and all the while i wish i were somewhere else.

even tho im in the greatest city of the world…

home.