half & half

Happy New Year.

well the eve b4 the new year always leaves me feeling sentimental. a lil bit sensetive. somewhat emotional. i can cover it up with a laugh or a dance. i can play the role easily in hopes that no one sees the picture beneath the layers of skin. i mean its just another day rite. but its not. i feel like its the beginning of something new, which means its the end of something old. like i have to say goodbye to something in order to "resolve" into what i want to happen. but i didnt really make any resolutions because i never stick to them. we went to larry’s house and hung out there for awhile. i love my brother so much. he is just a good guy even when he is bad and im so thankful that we have gotten so close and he trusts me completly with his thoughts and life and love. i only hope oneday that i can have some like him to share my life with. so yeah we chilled and caught up with dennis and artell and edwinna. not to mention i met the sexiest man ever in life. aww pat pat pat. if looks could kill id be 6 feet under right now. like it hurt to look at him, and i was seriously searching for air. but thats a different story. onto the night: countdown

once the ball dropped and i was sitting there with a class of moet, Gena to my right, and a room full of ppl ive known for years and ppl i didnt know at all I said a silent prayer for G’ma and she for me like we said we would and i toasted to 2006.

the first person i called was chris. i dont know why but i did.  he was at home doing nothing. on the couch watching TV, but i knew he was asleep. he’s always sleep late at night, and he always lies about it. sometimes i cant figue him out. and truthfully he makes me feel the way i did in highschool. im not that person anymore, and he is just a reminder of the old me. if i cant get past that then i cant move forward with him. i like him, but i dont like him like him. im weird like that. from there i called Herman. he is 2 hours behind me so it wasnt a new year for him. we talked for awhile. he was getting ready to go to work. we pretty much talked about the past since thats the only thing we have to go off of right now. he wants me to visit the first weekend of feb. i dont know about him yet. i like him as a person but our views on life are on opposite sides of the world. i dont wanna get myself too excited, cause things never work in my favor and i fear im destined to live the life of an old maid. which makes me question myself. whats wrong with me? ok so im no super model, nor am i some genuis. i cant cook, i have bad language, i look 16 and im short. but what im working with is awesome. i have style and grace and deep down i have a heart of gold. im talented and im easy to talk to. if ppl cant see that about me there isnt anything i can really do. *sigh* it hurts. but i’ll get over it. oh well.

but as far as the night goes it was kool. i had my partner in crime, college friends, that remind me of my life @ Mason, and some tunes. but with everything sweet for me comes sour. got back to derricks house texted HIM until HE fell asleep like HE always does, then hit I-95. long story short hit exit 118 get a flat,.call insurance company. wait wait wait. police comes. calls tow truck. wait wait wait. towed to a shop. tire changed. exchange of $85. pump gas. back on the road. in and out of sleep. singing to stay awake, music on full blast. calling ppl hoping someone is up. driving slow on the donut. driving off the road. trying to stay awake. stop at a rest stop and take a 15 minute nap. back on the road. watch the sun come up. finally in Bad news. call Gena. text kevin. texted HIM. open the door. say hi to mom. pee. strip. fall onto the bed. yell at foxee for scratching on my door. sleep for an hour. get up and go to work. wish i could shoot myself a thousand times. it was hell of a night/day but i made it….only by the grace of God. thank u!!

so the new year is here. and my head is back to hurting. i have a lot on my mind, and a lot in my heart. and i havent the time or energy to sort through it. so as a result of a cluttered mind i have the worst tension/pressure headache. i really dont wanna face what i know i need to, so ill deal with the pain for now. i have a high tolerance so i should be alright for awhile. but eventually im gonna have to face the truth and sort ot all out. im just dreading it altogether.

ehhhh what a way to start 2006.