ehhh

I stopped counting the days. cause the experiment is over. we are talking again. am i happy with the results? i dont know. i mean i really dont know. my only fear is that 4 months from now i will have another breakdown and want to go through the process again. but im not lying to myself anymore. i cant stay away cause i dont want to. i know i can do it if i really want to, but i dont want to. id rather spend the rest of my days worrying about the pain i feel having HIM, then to spend the rest of my days worrying about the pain i feel cause i dont have HIM.

does this make me weak? yes and no. yes cause i cant live without HIM, and no because weakness doesnt have to always be negative. im happy that ive found someone i can be weak with. cause ordinarily i would never let anyone see me in a state of weakness. its not expected of me. everyone wants me to be strong, thinks i am so strong. and thats no one fault but my own. i play the role well, and its fine and all but sometimes i want to show my fragilness. sometimes i want someone to be worried about me. i want someone to hold me. i want to cry for all the times i held my tears in cause i was trying to be strong. sometimes i just want to be a girl.

now when i wake up in the morning i might find this entry to be just foolish. i might feel differently. i dont know if im just way too emotional at night, or if this is the real me, the me i cover up during the day. at night i feel exposed, and vunerable. i feel weak, and helpless. at night i feel most lonely. cause its just me alone with my thoughts. and frankly im not sure if im ready for an adult relationship, but i really wish i had someone to fall asleep with at night. to wrap up the days events with a lil future talk. a tight squeeze onto their arm while they carress my hair until we drift into a comfy secure sleep cause we know the other will be there in the morning. thats what i want security. the idea that im never really alone, even when i am, cause i know someone is having loving thoughts about me during the day.

this whole world is based on love. everything we do is for love. we do well is sports so our parents can be proud. love. we buy our friends the perfect gift for x-mas, so they can thank God for a great friend. love. we get dressed up to look cute/good for ppl cause u never know if u will meet the "one." love. maybe i shouldnt focus on it anymore. maybe i should just be numb and have a structured rountined life without thinking, or feeling.

i dont know how i feel anymore. i dont know what im doing, or how to pull myself outta my pre Valentines Day rut. cause thats what this is isnt it? well ima chalk it up to that cause if i dont have a reason for my self pity at this very moment that means i’ll have to rack my brain to find the real truth. so V-day gets the take the blame on this one. but alas im tired of talking about myself, and my sad lonely state. i give myself a headache.