dear jon….

Dear *clears throat* You,

I didn’t even think it would go this far, this meaning the lil argument/disagreement we had on Monday But the bigger this is the relationship that we kinda just fell into on accident or purpose, i cant decipher. i didn’t mean to pay attention the stares behind wooden walls u would give me. i didn’t mean to accept the compliments u would give me disgusted in elementary school hits. i didn’t mean to dive in and then swim to the edge just as fast as i hit the water. i didn’t mean to listen to Luis and everyone else who said we looked cute together and that u actually liked me but kept that information to urself. i didn’t mean to do a lot of things. im not perfect, and in my imperfections  i messed up.

and so when i was baited and hooked unable to move i waited to be tossed back. but instead i wasnt gutted and cooked but saved. a nice lil fish bowl with water food and company. but often times i felt just like that fish. trapped. like i had to do tricks for attention. I just felt like i was kept in the dark until i proved how much i liked u, time after time. i always felt like u wanted more than i could give at the time. let me see how far i can push Kimiesha. let me see how much she really cares. were the words that constantly flowed in my mind. i know im not the most affectionate person. never claimed to be. especially when it comes to the matters of the heart. ive been hurt and therefore im very protective of my heart. my past has made it hard for me to trust guys. and i was trying with u. i was. but like i mentioned before u seemed to be unhappy with the results. and deep inside i felt bad. i felt guilty, ugly, selfish, childish…the list goes on. and so there were moments were i would completely disappear. take myself outta the room although i was still physically present. it was in those moments were i hated myself, was hard on myself, coached myself and screamed at myself. it was in those moments when i wanted to run and hide but knew i would be followed and questioned. and so i always came to, but always the moody kimiesha would tag along and ruin a good thing. often times i felt like the 3rd wheel even in a crowd of 10. often times i felt 13 again. and no one wants to be 13 again.

and so i tried to push that kimiesha away. stab her and watch her bleed right in front of me. but the bitch is cleaver. she hid in PMS, she hid in the cold, she hid in embarrassment, she hid in annoying customers. the bitch hid and popped up whenever. i couldn’t control her and sometimes i didn’t even try.

there were times when i was confused. getting over a lost love, trying to figure out what i want and with who i wanted it with. there were times i led u on when i wasn’t sure. and there are times when i wanted u and backed off. there were always times when my mind and actions fought and fought and fought and i didn’t really know who was winning.

in the beginning i told u i wasn’t have sex. but u insisted on trying. wether u got ur feelings hurt by rejection i dont know. but allowing someone in ur bed when they know the outcome of the evening doesn’t classify me as a prude. it says more about you than anything. i associate sex with love and relationships. hence why i am a 26 year old woman who has only had sex with one person and can count the times on two hands. so what im not out there "getting mine" does that make me a bad person? no i don’t think it does. its my body and i choose to do what i want with it. u don’t think a dozen guys have run in the opposite direction of me as fast as possible cause i wasn’t giving it up? there as been guys and im sure there will be more. u don’t think it hurts me to the bone to know they just wanted that? that i wasn’t worth the conversation or the date or the occasional kiss. am i not special enough for someone great to come into my life and restore my faith in love and men and romance and all that other shit lil girls dream about on shiny white horses?

and so u and i bumped heads too many times. perhaps i called u a name u took to heart when in actuality i call everyone that carelessly and dont mean anything about it. perhaps you call 5 times in a row at 3 in the morning looking for a place to bunk. perhaps u wanna smoke around me and walk in the cold knowing i hate it more than anything. perhaps u feel disrespected when i slap you after u beg me to "crave for it" perhaps u get drunk 2 weekends afterwards and hit me with a heavy hand more times than i can count even after i tell u to stop and walk away several times. maybe u held on a lil too tiny for my body to handle and when i frown u reply "i don’t give a fuck" yeah i felt disrespected too. perhaps u get totally livid when we disagree about green tea and i called u out as being wrong only after u called me out for being wrong. maybe u were having a bad day and u didn’t wanna hear my shit. or maybe i had a bad night of cramps and PMS and listening to u snore and the next day i was dangling off the side of a cliff ready to jump but back away all at the same time. maybe it was wrong for u not to accept my apology but in turn tell me not to talk to u. maybe it was wrong of me to think ud be over the silliness by now.

but since u aren’t it makes me wonder. makes me go into the deep dark corners of my mind. places i hate to visit and unpack shit kept stored away for certain reasons. maybe im thinking that  Friday February 29th is the reason this silly argument is really going down. and so i finally dig to the roots of this huge tree of many problems we planted. that night. oh that night began as a good day. i do enjoy spending time with u. i do enjoy that we are friends and we have the great complicated weird almost secretive relationship going on. how it works is beyond me, but somehow me manage. andi  know u like me. sometimes i question it as im sure u do too. i do want u to be happy especially after the rocky past couple of months uve had. i was very willing to put my feelings on the back burner to make u happy. and so while we were here in my bed, u twisted and aggressive as drunk Charles always is i had but a few moments to say yes or no. my mind was screaming NO and my body as well. but i ignored them both cause i knew u wanted it. been wanting it and would want it again. so i said yes. and it hurt like hell. pain ive never experienced. u accused me of lying "all girls say that" i should have slapped u then cause i don’t fake pain. and how dare u say that. but i didn’t. i kept trying for U. the whole time im thinking i cant believe im doing this after sooooo long. after i said i wanted to wait for love for marriage for something solid, cause i never had that before. im just not that type of chick. and so im doin it crying on the inside, burning on the inside. while ur into it a lil too rough for my liking. i shouldnt have to tell u to go slow. u should know. but okay whatever no big deal. and i keep trying and tryin all the while something is stirring inside of me. i cant recognize the feelings i just know they are there. and when the pain was too much to bare and i ask u to stop here comes the tears. here comes a moment where i dont want anyone to see me. i dont wanna be vulnerable or open. i didn’t want it. but it was there and i couldnt run and hide. i was exposed in tota

l darkness and i had no choice but to let u be there. and although i tried to fight u away it was in THAT moment where that was my sex with u. how could i let u get any closer?? i didn’t question ur sincerity because i felt it.

however i knew, cause ur a man, with a hard dick and all the blood sitting there, where i knew u were disappointed. it wasnt what u expected. u didn’t get to finish. and so i curled myself into a ball and felt guilty. i felt shame. i felt like a baby. worthless. immature. and this list too goes on. i never wanted to see u with lights on again. how would things go? would u run in the other direction and meet up with the guys before u? would u shrug it off like it was nothing? would it take sometime for it to settle in? would u start to think wow this chick is wack and not even worth the time? it hurt me to have these thoughts in my head and still try to appear pretty normal on the outside. its not that serious im sure ppl would say if they knew the situation. but they cant see inside of me. they dont feel my pain and they cant hear my cries that even i dont recognize half the time.

and so now in my twisted mind ive convinced myself that ur pride wasnt hurt when i called u out. that this silly argument  we had u chose to make bigger cause u were looking for a way out. u no longer want to deal with me because of Feb. 29th. that u finally realized that the night was wack and u were done. and here i am hurt beyond words. looking for another explainiation cause a disagreement about green tea isnt the reason u dont wanna talk to me. it cant be. instead i let u inside literally and ur running. i did it to make u happy and ur running. i cried in front of u and ur running. i let u sleep with me and ur running. i tried to be there for u and ur running. i let shit uve done go and ur running. u talked about me with others and ur running. ur running and standing right in front of me all at the same time. so now i feel like a fool. i feel like shit. i feel ashamed. like i gave up those two years, took a dive for nothing. thats how i fell. let it go Kimiesha. but i cant let it go. cause sex is important to me. its sacred. and i dont just give it up to anyone. i tried and ur bailing on me. dont even wanna be my friend, and so all day ive cried. locked in my room ears flooded with the saddest music i can find. ashamed to be crying. but when u have sex with someone ur emotionally tied to them wether u want to be or not (well thats the case with me) and so i feel like u still have a piece of me with u and ur not gonna give it back. like u dont even give a damn about that "moment" we shared. why? cause ur running. all the while i still stand in front of u naked, exposed with a million tiny cuts hurting my body like crazy.

and that, is real.

signed,

IDIOT!