day 18

r we still counting?

hahahaha. sometimes i have to laugh at myself. we have been talking for the past 3 days i guess. long in depth converstaions like we used to. and when we do somehow i’m able to detach my heart from my body. i used to be a pro at it back in the day. and looky looky i still remember how to do it. i have to do it. i still feel as though we are walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around the subject, ingnoring the elephant in the room. but its the only way to go about matters. im looking for ways to hate HIM. and HE is looking for ways to hang onto me. its a tug-a-war, but i feel as though i have the power…the magic stick if u will. not like that. this is not a justification for my actions. i dont have to justify myself to anyone but Jesus on judgement day. but i cant hate HIM. i want to but its not possible. even when HE annoys me i dont care. it the perfectly imperfect element. i truly understand now which doesnt exactly make a case for myself. it doesnt help. but i just dont know. i hate making decisions. the matters of the heart seem to be this mystery and u dont have the clues or the answers until u are in the club-"happily unsingle". so i’ll wave to all the losers in that group. hahaha just kiddin"

i want the precious places moments back. the Shera and Heman days. the times where u’d slide in a pan of ooy goodness into one side of ur easybake oven and pull out ur lil ass cookies on the other side. what happen to the days of Jem, she was so "truly outrageous" what happend to sleepovers, scraped knees, peeing in ur pants. what happend to the days of punching out the clock in the back of ur texkbook to learn how to tell time, or punching out the colorful paper coins to learn how to count money. those were the days when u had it easy. ur mom and dad took care of u and all u had to do was ur homework and clean ur room. i miss those days of innocence. i miss the days of not having to decide. the world seemed to big and beautiful then.

now we are adults. we have to make choices everyday. we have to lead our lives, and get it right cause u get only one shot. its hard, and lonely and it sucks. but its life. its the only life i know. and so i wait. and wait and wait. and i try to have patience. everything happends for a reason. i know i know. its just when i was younger i saw this life i wanted and i figured id have it by now. right now. @ 24. silly? maybe. job, money, love. hmmm maybe in that order. maybe not. until then what can i get u a drink, let me count my change, and we are only on day 18…

something to smile about