day 13

Today we talked on the phone. breathe. We had been IMing the night b4 which led to texts straight thru the night til early this afternoon. After I told HIM i was just joking about the joke I played on HIM, which HE so deserved HE called and i didnt answer until the fourth vibrate. 70% of me didnt wanna answer. not because I didnt want to talk to HIM. and not because it would hurt, but for the simple fact that I was growing used to it. I wanted to prove it to myself more than anyone else. and i realized I havent been numb to the situation. I was able to control it. Yes I still love HIM (duh). yes i’d marry HIM tommorow if HE asked, but if those things dont happen I know I will be okay. it will hurt over time, but i got over Kahwann. HA-take that. but HE is different. we have this weird, unstable dysfuctional FRIENDSHIP that works for us. HE has never treated me badly and HE is a HUGE part of my life just as all my friends are. so EVERYONE Ms. J is okay. I got my health, i got my friends, i have my goals…all i can do is hope everything else will fall into place (which im sure it will).

HE said HE is gonna call tonight, and I told HIM i might not answer. dont know if i wanna go there right now. ya know. if i do i will make it plain as day that im not nearly close to being okay. that feelings are not easily se aside. that its gonna take some time. HE’S all like i’m always gonna be there, i miss u…blah blah blah. and yeah of course HE does. HE is a guy HE wants what HE wants. I know HIM, HE needs me way more than i need HIM, and HE’D be totally lost without me. Thats what it translates to. I know HIS language. I know how to decode. so that alone keeps me feeling safe and secure. cause really this whole week and a half i havent been crying cause i cant talk to HIM…i know HE is there, HE aint going nowhere. HE is always gonna treat me the same, regardless of what situation HE is in. but yeah ive been hurt cause the future i want/wanted in my head is gone. that is what made me sad. we wont get married me wont have kids, HIS family wont be my family. thats what hurts. but as long as I can have HIM in my life i will be happy. i’ll get over my love for HIM cause when i do meet the right person things will click the way they are supposed to. but as for us talking again. hmmm not so sure. not on a regualar basis. just for important stuff. "I passed a hard test." "I got a new job" "I’m moving to New York" "Oh me and Crystal are back together" (hahaha-stab). but im not opposed to talking thru e-mails. more can be said. thoughts can be expressed in a more expressive way. like i said i dont know. its all up in the air. but EVERYONE im fine. lil encouraging emails are welcomed but not needed. im kool.

anywho someone stole $30 from me today @ work. dont steal from me. thats just so wrong and stupid on so many levels. no one knows what happend. everyone has their own horror stories. i’d like to believe them all but the truth is u cant trust everyone. thats life. and so im a lil more guarded. yeah its only 30 bucks. but its mine ya know. that pissed me off today. and on top of that i had this horrible snotty party today and they just sucked ass. usually im kool under prssure but they just got under my skin. plus i was the only one working in my section and that made it harder when i have other tables and on top of that this huge as party. maybe im emotional cause im PMSin’ but those bastards just ticked me off. but when i came home who made me feel better…HIM, go figure. it never freakin’ fails. its always like that. HE always calls when I need to talk to HIM the most. ehhhh who knows.

the boondocks was hiiiiiiiiiiiilarious Sunday night. man that show pushes the envelope so much i loooove it. kinda pissed cause football took away my simpsons, family guy and american dad AGAIN. but whatever this sunday it BETTER be back. wife swap was great tonight. i love drama in TV. ok im done talking…

im out!

oh yeah I’m done with Chris. I yelled at HIM the other day again, cause i cant be the person he wants me to be. suck my nuts bitch. so the lil bit of feelings i had for him are out the door. i mean we can still chill (maybe) but it aint going further than that. he is looking for a romantic sweet girlie girl and that just aint me. u cant ask me to be those things. ur not that special for me to do that with u. im sweet and romantic when the time calls for it. when i feel it inside of me and want to show it to someone. and u just havent reached that status yet. u could have given it time. but im not having sex again until i married so u prolly dont want to be with me anyway…go figure

peace bitches